Wherefore Art Thou, Shah Rukh?

Dangerously debonair Bollywood Superstar Shah Rukh Khan has confirmed today that he is too busy to come to Malacca to accept his datukship. Oh no. This is going to make us look stupid. No, wait a minute. We already look stupid. For the benefit of my valued readers, I have taken the liberty to recreate the scene in SRK’s palatial home, which has led up to the announcement in the papers today:

[SRK is having tea one morning in the dining room]
[Door opens and in walks stout little man with moustache and monkey tail]

SRK: Yes, what is it this time Abu? *raises one sexy eyebrow*

ABU: It’s Ali. The phone’s been ringing off the hook since October. He’s getting rather desperate.

SRK: Who is this Ali and why is he harassing us?

ABU: Well, um, er … remember that letter you received last month? The governor of Malacca wants to make you a datuk, sir.

SRK: What is this dah-took? I can’t recall that letter, I’m afraid. *lips seductively puckered; looks puzzled*

ABU: The letter was from Ali asking you to attend some sort of function to accept the award because you filmed ‘One 2 Ka 4′ there. Apparently, you caused the number of visitors to shoot through the roof and brought Malacca, and by extension, Malaysia, to the attention of the world.

SRK: I did? *furrows brow*

ABU: Yes sir. You quite definitely did. You were rather busy at that time, so I drafted a response on your behalf to thank them for this great honour and politely decline to attend.

SRK: Good job, Abu.

ABU: But apparently, a lot of people thought you were going to be there and they waited with great anticipation. It was quite a letdown when you didn’t show up. Ali wouldn’t accept no for an answer though. He kept calling after that event. At one point, he even declared he was going to take drastic measures.

SRK: Such as? *leafs through mail with bored, yet dashing, expression on face*

ABU: Such as threatening to take back the datukship award.

SRK: Really? *yawns*

ABU: Yes. But when he realised that wasn’t much of a punishment, he threatened to throw himself in front of a steamroller instead.

SRK: Did he?

ABU: Obviously not, sir. He is very much alive and still dialing my number.

[Abu's phone rings in the background]

ABU: There he is again, sir. He is most insistent that you attend a ceremony on November 29. It looks like they want to force you into accepting this award.

SRK: We should’ve filmed in Kazakhstan like we originally planned. This is most tiresome, isn’t it, Abu?

ABU: Yes it is. Don’t be troubled though, sir. I shall write to Ali once again and inform him of your decision.

SRK: What if the poor chap loses the respect of his community for failing to see this through?

ABU: Oh, don’t worry, sir. Nobody respects him in the community.

SRK: I hope that is true. I certainly would not want him to look bad.

ABU: Rest assured, sir, that nobody can possibly make him look worse than he already does.

SRK: *sighs with relief; unbuttons shirt* Thank goodness for that then.

ABU: Yes. Thank goodness.

SRK: *removes shirt and is topless for the rest of the day*

Ah Seng (Alor) Now & Forever

We now have an ending to the whole four-day Alor saga. Looks like Alor will remain Alor (for those of you who read my previous post, ie. Ah Seng will remain Ah Seng after all). Only in Malaysia, we have stories like this. I swear to god, if all the comedy writers will just come here and stay for a while – for example, in Malacca where Bollywood likes to film their movies– they’ll have enough material to last them several lifetimes.

Sometimes I wonder if our politicians are being numbskulls on purpose. I mean, come on, are you honestly telling me that any human person can possibly be that stupid? They do stupid things that make no sense. They try to fix things that ain’t broke. They make major decisions like changing baju. Hmm, today I’ll wear the pink batik shirt … no wait, maybe the yellow … I’ll drink kopi with milk … hmm, on second thought, I’ll chance it and go with the sirap … aiya, very boring la today, I think I’ll initiate something big like setting up a special taskforce to chop off all those pesky trees and … change all the road names in the city!! Oh ya, and on the way home from work, I’ll buy a new set of golf clubs and marry somebody new.

And these people are our leaders??? We’re so screwed it’s not funny. The only consolation for now is that Alor stays Alor, I guess. I can’t even be happy about that because this whole idiot fest shouldn’t even have happened in the first place.

May the chicken wings rest in peace.

My Name Is Ah Seng And I’m 35 Years Old

You have a son. His name is Ah Seng. Everybody knows him as Ah Seng. Everybody likes Ah Seng. Ah Seng is 35 years old. Not young anymore. Ah Seng serves the best chicken wings and char siew in town. In fact, Ah Seng is so famous that he’s even listed in 900,000 web pages on the Net. Very famous.

Then one day, you decide to change Ah Seng’s name to Ah Beng. Everybody asks you what the %#$@#% you changing his name for? You tell them it’s to upgrade his image, so that he is more international. More canggih. Like cosmic superstar and space. Since your other son became Space Flight Participant and went to space last year, it stands to reason that you must carry this theme through with all your children.

People accuse you of being a numbskull, moron and flat-out arse. “You want to upgrade Ah Seng’s image? Give him a haircut first la. Then tell him to stop wearing kiam-chai singlets and those obiang spectacles la! What for you want to change-change name all that? The fler still the same person, so what’s the goddamn difference?!! Make people confused only!”

You defend yourself by telling everyone that this wasn’t a rash decision. This wasn’t something you dreamed up one day in your big fancy office while eating kueh lapis and surfing the Net for pictures of cats. No siree!! It was something that was planned three years ago. In fact, after Ah Seng has become Ah Beng, his brothers Ah Meng and Ah Heng will soon be renamed Epsilon Lyrae and Ali. Or maybe Abu. See how.

So, despite people’s protests, you go ahead and change Ah Seng’s MyKad to Ah Beng. Changed his driver’s license, birth certificate, passport, etc. It’s damn a lot of work, time and money but nvm, your calendar’s wide open until year 2020 anyway. Besides, it’s all worth it for the sake of Ah Beng’s image.

It has been a few days since the name change and people are still pissed off and cussing at you. They still think you’re a numbskull, moron and flat-out arse. You don’t know what to do. You now realize how big an idiot you’ve been but it’s a bit too late. You’re stuck between a rock and a hard place. How now???

Nicely dressed – Rompin MP praises Teresa’s dressing

There were only two stories under Dewan Rakyat yesterday and one of them was Nicely dressed – Rompin MP praises Teresa’s dressing (the other was about some police beat base in Chow Kit which is so bad that even “the police themselves are scared and running away”).

Some BN MP (whose name I can’t be bothered to know, let alone remember) says, “I want to say that she [Teresa] is nicely dressed. I only want to praise Seputeh. Why are you people scolding me?”. Then another what’s-his-name from Bintulu questions whether a woman MP was allowed to not wear a jacket while in the Dewan. Another what’s-his-name replies that there is no such ruling.

Over 20 lines were dedicated in the paper for this exchange. It alarms me that a whole bunch of MPs can go sit in the Dewan for hours and this is the most “newsworthy” story the reporters can get out of it. This and the other about the police being scared and running away from Chow Kit, of course.

I can picture some possible future headlines now:

1. MP sports new janggut

2. MP sports receding hairline, Dewan worried

3. MP loses weight, mistress suspected

4. MP late to Dewan, ran over kitten on road

5. Rendang declared national dish

6. MPs wear fugly bowties, draw fashion uproar

7. Monkey! Donkey! Immigrant! MPs trade insults in Dewan

8. MP fined for illegal parking

And you know what the scariest thing is? Those last three are true.

All This Unity Is Killing Me

If I see the word ‘unity’ one more time in the papers, I swear I’ll become insane and my head will explode. We’re a multiracial country, diversity is our strength, rakyat muhibbah, bangsa Malaysia, ya ya, I get it. No need to beat me over the head with it. Geez. When are we going to stop churning out all this drivel? Please don’t insult us.

From all appearances, our leaders seem to have a very simplistic view of unity. Aiya, very easy to unity one, as long as we write a lot of press releases that contain the word ‘unity’ etc; as long as we hold press conferences and say it out loud and command the papers to quote us (if not, we arrest them), we will be united!

If every day the rakyat sees the word ‘unity’ in the headlines (especially in those trouble-making newspapers which were issued show-cause letters), surely racial lines will be blurred and we will all saling cinta-mencintai.

And if after all this, the people are still divided, fret not! We’ll set up a committee and give it a very long name like Very Important Ministry to Forge Closer Racial Ties and Promote National Unity (VIMFCRTPNU, also pronounced as vim-fuk-rut-pft-noo). We’ll put four people up there – one Ali, one Ah Seng, one Muthu and one Dan Lain-Lain – to head the committee. Brilliant. Now, get out those curry puffs and let’s call for a press conference!

It’s most unfortunate, but they don’t seem to understand that what you do is more important than what you say. How are we supposed to be united when …

… We allow individuals (supposed to be leaders some more) to run around blabbering racially offensive remarks. Eh, never mind la, it’s his own opinion … even though he said it at a ceramah before the media and other leaders, under the party banner, it’s still his personal opinion what. Let’s just forgive la. What’s the big deal?

… On the same page loaded with ‘unity’ gibberish, at the same time, you’re constantly dividing us neatly into Malay and non-Malay, Bumi and non-Bumi, Tuan and non-Tuan, us and you, you and them … as in all of us are very angry, the Malays and non-Malays. On the one hand, I don’t appreciate having you speak on my behalf – excuse me, sir, with all due respect, how the #$@#%@ hell would you know what I’m pissed off about? – and on the other hand, we all know who ( or rather, what) we are. Ya ya, we get it. We’re all very angry. You, me, them, they, he, she, everybody.

… We have policies that don’t promote equality. I don’t think further elaboration is required here. If you need elaboration, go read the papers. What planet have you been on??

Wake me up when all this governing is over la … zzzz