Happy Birthday To Me

 

If there’s one wish I have for every birthday of mine, it’s to be somewhere else. I don’t particularly care where – just anywhere but here. Well, this year, my wish came true in spades: I spent my birthday 40,000 feet up in the air, watching Damages, eating grilled fish and trying to think deep thoughts (and failing miserably and then, going back to my fish). A birthday in a plane. You can’t get any more “anywhere-but-here” than this now, can you?

It certainly wasn’t planned; it just happened that way. I can’t help but think that it’s somehow symbolic of how this year has been for me – constantly moving from one point to another, never stopping, never resting, never getting a break. To reiterate what I’ve said in my previous post: I’ve been unsettled, restless, discontented. That seems to be the theme of 2010. I know that as far as birthday posts go, this is a bit of a downer, but I confess that I’m not feeling particularly perky right now – hey, somebody give me an award for being so frank today (I’ll be so shirley tomorrow – hahaha).

God, I’m glad this year is coming to an end soon.

Shoes Make Me Happy

Shoes do make me happy. I am superficial. And many times, my retort to anything that I couldn’t care less about is a haughty “whatever”.

I know what you must be thinking right now: she’s pretty much scavenging the bottom of the well for scraps if this is the best she can come up with after two months of silence. And you know what? You’re right. But I’ve never been one to give up easily. I may be going through a dry spell at the moment but because of a mule-like obstinacy to keep my moribund blog from the brink of an untimely death, I shall now give you a snapshot of what’s happened in the past two months since I experienced the earth-shattering excitement of receiving my PADI card: 

1. My hair has grown an inch, it is now a chest-nutty brown and I have gained two whopping kilogrammes.
2. I have been inducted into a new planet of crazy – one that is more intense than the one I’d been inhabiting (some say I shall soon be crowned ruler of this planet; I say, “Whatever”.)
3. I have added six more paperbacks and a hardcover to my ever-growing ‘Shiny Brand New Books I Have No Intention Of Reading’.
4. I am halfway through Mad Men season 3 and I cannot believe she severed his foot by running over it with a lawn mower in the office!
5. I must say: I love working in a shopping mall.
6. I have discovered a new meaning to the saying, “This too shall pass.”
7. My muscles have been atrophying – exercise for the last two months have been confined to weight-lifting my oversized coffee mug and chasing after deadlines (insert painfully obvious metaphorical joke here).
8.  I have inhaled so much second-hand cigarette smoke that I’m seriously wondering if I should just quit fighting it and take up smoking.

So there you go: 8 things that have happened. I could add another one but that might be bad luck

13 Sure-Fire Ways To Not Be Miserable In 5 Minutes

1  Stop caring. Caring about what people think, that is. When you care too much about what people think of you, you give them power over you (even if they don’t know it). The most liberating thing in the world is to not care anymore – if they like me, they like me lor. And if they don’t, then bite me lor. Besides, people don’t think about you as much as you think they think about you anyway. Why? Cos they’re too busy worrying about what other people think about them.

2  Stop trying. Trying to be happy, that is. The harder you look for something, the less likely you are to find it. It’s the case with car keys, it’s the case with love, and it’s the case with happiness. The moment you stop looking, the thing starts popping up all over the place. So the harder you try to be happy, the worse you’ll feel. The good news is, the reverse will also be true.

3  Be in the now. Think of the here and now. Forget the next hour, the next day, the next week. We become stressed (and therefore, miserable) whenever we think about the future – for instance, fretting about the talk you’re about to give in the next 20 minutes; wondering how you’re going to pay off that credit card bill next month; or worrying about dying old, shriveled up and alone cos you’re still boyfriend-less at 45.

4  Three things. Think of three good things you’ve got going for you. Come on, life can’t be so terrible that you can’t even do this. Okay, I’ll go first: (1) I have a great family; (2) I have a nice home; and (3) my hair looks cute today. Embarrassed at how trite your three things are? Don’t worry. You’ve just given me the perfect segue to Tip #5.

5  Expect nothing. Or at least have expectations so horrendously low that you will not only meet them but surpass them. So on second thought, forget listing three good things. Make it two (or one) not-so-heinous things that you’ve got going for you.

6  Read. About people who have it worse than you do. Go ahead, google it: miserable lives, suicidal people, celebrity has-beens, losers, whatever. Or just go look in the local paper – there’s bound to be a politician who’s recently been accused of corruption or been photographed nude in the toilet or something. Think of how wretched he must be feeling right now.

7  Fake it. 25 minutes of faking happiness and your brain may just buy it. If it doesn’t, don’t worry. The people around you may buy it and think you really are happy and start responding to you as if you were happy (instead of scampering away) and this might, in the end, boost your mood after all.

8  Buy it. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness … has no money and is a real dum-dum. Money may not be able to buy some things (although my mind’s drawing a blank right now) but it can buy plenty of other things, many of which can make you pretty darn happy pretty darn quick. Sure, it’s fleeting superficial happiness but hey, being superficially happy for 5 minutes sure beats being genuinely miserable for 5 minutes.

9  Move. As in move away from the bad situation that’s making you miserable. Of course, if the bad situation is your whole life, then I can’t help you there. But yeah, move away. If standing in a puddle of crud is making you unhappy, for god’s sake, step out of the crud. Some crud might be harder to get out of than others, so admittedly, this tip might take you more than 5 minutes.

10  Say no. Don’t do what you don’t want to do. One source of distress is saying ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’ and spending the rest of the day desperately trying to weasel your way out of it. Go ahead, say it: no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no-o-o-o-o-o!!!!!! And if you worry that you might offend someone in the process, see Tip #1.

11  Laugh. Watch something that makes you laugh. Put it on and really get into it. After a laugh-out-loud session, the crud that had ailed you earlier will look smaller and more distant. You will then feel less crap. But if you have no sense of humour or can’t afford pirated DVDs, see Tip #12.

12  Sleep. Nothing cures (or at least alleviates) misery like sleep. And if you’re too upset to sleep, pop a pill. Who cares how you do it, just stop being awake. Things almost always look better in the morning.

13  Trick your brain. Assign a time slot for misery, say from 5.15 to 5.45pm. For these 30 minutes, you have complete freedom to whinge, wallow and feel as wretched as you wish. You can shove your face in as deep into the crud as you want. But until the clock strikes 5.15pm, you are to go about your business and not feel like crap. You’d be surprised to discover that by the time 5.15pm does come around, your urge to whinge, wallow and feel wretched would’ve lessened considerably or if you’re lucky, totally vanished.

30 Things I Know For Sure

I just had a birthday and I’m officially old. It’s nice to be old because I can be as senile, long-winded, grumpy and as big a bitch as I want, and if anybody asks me why I’m that way, I can snort and say, “Chiu! Cannot meh??” Another perk of being old is I now have the license to share all the wisdom I’ve gleaned through the years. After living for so long, the amount of salt I’ve eaten is now frightfully close to the amount of rice I’ve eaten, so here are 30 things I’ve learned:

1. You grow stronger when life sucks.
2. Things are never as bad or scary as you expect.
3. This too shall pass.
4. Thinking is over-rated (and while we’re at it, so is Drew Barrymore).
5. Worst case scenarios almost never happen.
6. The best antidote to fear is action.
7. You will regret the things you haven’t done, more than those you have.
8. There’s never a ‘right’ time to do something; just do it. Once the body starts, the mind will follow.
9. Things can take a miraculous turn for the better in a blink of an eye (unfortunately, the opposite is also true)
10. Stop trying to be perfect – it will kill you and nobody will even care.
11. Never make decisions when in emotional turmoil; you will almost always regret it.
12. It’s okay to give yourself a break sometimes. The world will still turn, the grass will still grow.
13. You never feel bad after a good run. But you’ll feel bad after a bad one. Um, what’s my point again?
14. Never quit something just because it’s tough.
15. Life will not always go the way you want. Deal with it.
16. You don’t have to like everything you do.
17. Looking good is about posture and proportions, not a smoking hot body (although that helps).
18. Don’t believe everything you read or see.
19. It’s okay to feel bad every once in a while.
20. Don’t listen to the advice of stupid people.
21. Appreciate your ability to feel, whether it’s happiness, sadness or %@$#@$#$!!@ – it means you’re not dead yet.
22. Be passionate, be expressive, be genuine.
23. When pissed off, pick a song that best expresses how you feel and sing it at the top of your lungs (who cares if the driver next to you thinks you’re nuts?)
24. News flash: the world does not revolve around you.
25. The worst time to make a decision is at 6am in the morning (because the question is always about whether you should wake up and the answer is always ‘no’).
26. Don’t wear T-shirts with silly sayings; they just make you look tacky.
27. Take lots of pictures. You will be glad you did when you hit 60.
28. Detach, detach, detach.
29. Eat chocolate every once in a while.
30. Contrary to what those below 18 probably think, life does get better as you grow older.

Workaholics Are People Too!

People who love what they do get a lousy deal. It’s not fair and it’s not right. We have enough people who hate their jobs, why pick on those who love theirs? I tell you, Barbra Streisand got it wrong when she sang, “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”

No way. People who love what they do are the luckiest people in the world. How often do you find someone who truly loves his or her job? Not often, I can tell you that. Most people just scrape by, doing the bare minimum. If you’re lucky enough to find a job that you love, how is that a bad thing? A large part of your life will be spent working, might as well spend it doing something you enjoy.

I feel it’s my duty to defend workaholics around the world – it’s a campaign I started sometime ago with my first post 7 Reasons Why Workaholism Is Good For You. Kinda like a Save The Whales, but funnier. Today, I shall charge on with my mission by listing 7 things people (read: those who have crappy jobs they hate) say in their misguided attempt to ‘save’ workaholics from flushing their precious lives down the corporate toilet.

1 You need to have work-life balance. What’s this work-life balance thing I keep hearing about? What does it even mean? Why is it so important and why are we all beating ourselves up trying to achieve it? “Work-life balance you must have,” they intone all Yoda-like (insert tinkling waterfall sounds in the background). Oh really ah, why ah? “Because it’s important.” Says who? “The, um … experts.” Who are these experts? “Aiya, I don’t know la. All I know is everything must have balance. Too much of anything is bad for you.” Which brings me to my next point …

2 Too much of anything is bad for you. I disagree. I can think of plenty of things you can do as much as you want, which will not be bad for you – eating spinach, praying to God and smiling. There.

3 You need a real hobby! We all have passions in life (well, some of us at least; for those of you who don’t, you have my utmost sympathy) and I don’t see why work can’t be one of them. If some people can love reading, playing basketball, planting flowers, impersonating Elvis or knitting sweaters for their dog, why can’t some people love working? Why is work taken out of the lineup and demonised? How is it any different from any other activity? Why is work inferior to say, knitting sweaters for your dog? Just because you think my hobby is dumb doesn’t make it any less valid. At least my ‘hobby’ makes me money. What does yours do?

4 On your deathbed, you’ll regret that you spent your whole life working. There’s no point to it, yadda yadda yadda. Uh huh. And what’s a more fulfilling endeavour? A politically correct answer is ‘parenting’. Right. Spending all your hard-earned money, time, blood, sweat and tears to raise a child who might just grow up, look at you like you’re vermin and run away with her no-good bum of a boyfriend … yeah, that’s a lot more fulfilling than working.

5 People who work really hard are compensating for something. They’re single / divorced / lonely / depressed / crazy / etc and are just covering up their grief by keeping themselves busy. Well, have you ever considered that maybe people who love to work are people who love the challenge of setting goals and meeting them, people who love learning new things and meeting new people. Maybe they enjoy the company of colleagues who’ve become friends. Maybe they love seeing their efforts come to fruition … maybe that’s why they work. And this might come as a shock to you but maybe, just maybe, they’re a lot happier than some people are (read: those who have crappy jobs they hate).

6 You work until you neglect things that are important to you. Um, correction: things that people (probably some more ‘experts’) say should be important to you. You work so much, you haven’t talked to your mother / father / husband / wife / brother / sister in months! Has anybody ever considered the fact that maybe you never really talked all that much to them in the first place? What makes them think that sans job, you’ll be cooking porridge on the phone all day with them?

7 You can’t let work be your whole identity! We’re admonished because “what do you do?” is usually our question right after “what is your name?” when meeting somebody new. You’re supposed to be able to answer the question “who am I?” without bringing in your job. That’s utterly ridiculous. Apart from identifying yourself as a mother / father (always a winner) or a Child of God (which will send most people running off in the opposite direction), how else can you describe yourself to a stranger without bringing in your work? I know they say we are what we eat, but I’m thinking the answer “I am pork” might not make the best first impression. “Take away your job and what will you be?” we are asked. Well, take away my job and I’ll tell you what I’ll be – penniless and living under a bridge, that’s what. Duh.

4 Tricks Your Brain Plays On You

I’ve finished Dan Gilbert’s Stumbling On Happiness (as you can tell from my previous post). The book – despite its title – isn’t as much to do with happiness per se as it is to do with the way our mind works and how it enables (or deludes) or disables us from achieving happiness (or the happiness we think we want). Confused? Don’t be. It’s fascinating stuff. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about my brain, it’s this: it’s wily and can’t be trusted.TRICK #1:  What you see is NOT what you get

Life isn’t WYSIWYG; it is WYSINWYG. What you see is not what you get. It isn’t about our eyes transmitting an image of say, two people talking by the watercooler, into our brains. Rather, it’s a complex psychological process that combines what we see with what we already think, feel, know, want and believe. The combination of all these things constructs our perception of reality. So, instead of two people just yapping by the watercooler, it’s two people who dislike you gossiping about your latest fiasco by the watercooler. You feel lousy cos you “saw” the same thing “happen” last week. You feel marginalized, like somebody’s idea of a joke. Everybody hates me, you think. I’m gonna go jump in the lake. Talk about room for misinterpretation.

Unfortunately, WYSINWYG-ing is what adults do. We are idealists – we know that what we see isn’t necessarily what there is. We attach all sorts of significance to things and wind up stressing ourselves up. WYSIWYG-ing, on the other hand, is what kids do and kids are realists. They can’t make the distinction between things in the mind and things in the physical world, so what they see is what they believe. Thing is, realists quickly grow up to become idealists.TRICK #2:  A terminal case of presenteeism

Ever heard of presenteeism? Neither have I, until now. Presenteeism is when our present state (how we feel, think, what we believe, know, etc) influences our imagination of the future. We can’t imagine every single thing, so most of the details of our future are filled in by what we know around us right now. This happens unconsciously pretty much all the time, which means we wind up with lots of wrong predictions.

For instance, they never believed man could fly: “The aeroplane will never fly,” declared Lord Haldane, the British Minister of War in 1907. And the very famous one, “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home,” said Ken Olsen, founder of Digital Equipment Corporation in 1977 (click here and here for more wrong predictions).

So if you feel crap today, it’s hard to imagine feeling happy tomorrow (although you probably will, unless you’re clinically depressed and suicidal but that’s a different story). And when you’ve eaten too much char kway teow today, you can’t imagine wanting to eat it again tomorrow but … you do! Another common example is the marathon – anyone who’s done it swears “never again” but come next year, they sign up again. Which is also why we can be wrong when predicting what will make us happy – we think we’ll be happy simply cos it’s what will make us happy today but when it happens a year later, it just might not.TRICK #3:  The great summariser

Our brain works like one of those movie synopsis generators – it was a great movie; it was a lousy movie. It remembers only the peaks, valleys and/or ends of a given event and these two generally influence how we think we feel about everything else that went on. This is fine if you’re watching a movie (“Transformers 2’s ending sucked, so the whole movie sucked”), but not so fine if you’re trying to remember stuff. We look back and misremember things as being better or worse than they really were … which would be fine if it were just a case of reminiscing but when we use these faulty memories as a basis for imagining our future, then it’s not so fine.

I was flipping through my old journals the other day and I read some entries about a particular episode which, at that time apparently, was utterly devastating. I was surprised at how surprised I was that it was devastating cos for the last few years, I’d always remembered it as a non-event. In fact, I’d always thought it was rather pleasant, all things considered – okay okay, it was a break-up.  I honestly don’t remember it being as traumatic as it was written in my journal. I guess that was also presenteeism there too – I feel fine about it now and my present feelings have influenced the memory of the past event and made it fine though the facts of the event weren’t so. I’m going to throw away that stupid journal.TRICK #4: Survival mode

We never really see the world as it is. You know what they say: if you saw things as they really are, you’d be depressed and won’t get out of bed. So our mind cleverly tricks us to keep us optimistic enough to keep going. Things like ‘kids are super’ – no they’re not. They’re cute la, but annoying as hell. Think of the sleepless nights, the poop, the diapers, the vomit, the sick days, the whingeing, the screaming, the episodes of public embarrassment, etc. But we need to delude ourselves into this belief so that we’ll keep having kids cos if we don’t, then there will be no people on earth after everyone dies off.

There are other beliefs too – for instance, we must have certain things to be happy. And those certain things are usually really expensive stuff we need to buy. It’s a belief perpetuated to keep us covetous and spending cos if nobody buys stuff, the economy will collapse and the world will be destroyed.

Or this belief that taking a break will be good for us – it’s perpetuated by the travel industry, I tell you! Go take a break, go on a holiday and come back feeling better than ever! Um, no lor. Go on a great holiday and come back feeling worse than ever when you gotta start work again. But it’s a belief we need so that people in the travel industry can keep their jobs. Duh.

A classic one: what doesn’t kill me will make me stronger or suffering will make me wiser – this keeps us going even when what we really want to do is go jump off a cliff. It’s a way our brains trick us so that we carry on with the horrible thing we’re doing and not quit prematurely (like you know, your job or something like that).

I Want The Secret To Everlasting Happiness But … I Have Some Questions

I want to be happy. Sure, everybody says they want to be happy but not everybody means it; some people like being miserable. I don’t.  I genuinely like being happy. Maybe I was born that way. I get upset when I’m not happy – so not only am I not happy, I am not happy about being not happy. It’s quite a conundrum.

My problem isn’t that I like being happy. My problem is that it’s not enough for me to just be happy; I need to know why.  So, I went to Amazon and looked up books on happiness. There are 378,359. I’m thrilled: so much to learn! I just have so many questions! For instance …

… what the hell is happiness? Is it an emotion? A state of mind? A state of being? Is it hormonal? Is it a myth cooked up by marketers so that they can sell us stuff (and more books)?

… is happiness a skill? Is it something we can learn? Like learning how to cook pasta or change a car battery?

… is happiness something everybody can have? Or is it something you’re born with? Is it something you either have or don’t have?

… can you be happy all the time? If your happiness is based on getting what you want, then probably not cos you won’t always get what you want. But it’s possible if happiness is based on … nothing.

… is happiness a laborious process?  Something we need to work towards and achieve? Or is it something that’s instant, easily attainable?

… how many types of happiness are there? How many levels are there? Am I merely happy or very happy or very very happy? Am I happy enough???

… is my happiness authentic? Am I faking it? Do I know if I’m faking it? Am I truly happy or am I just on this merry-go-round of positive self-talk?

… are some people born happier than others? And if you were born unhappy, does that mean you’ll go through life having a harder time being happy than those who were actually born happy?

…  is ignorance truly the key to bliss? Are dumb people generally happier than smart people? Kids seem to be happy all the time. Are they that way cos they just don’t know any other way to be? Are knowledge and experience the enemies of happiness?

… can you measure happiness? If you can’t, how do I know if I’m happier today than I was a year ago? If I just base it on how good I feel, that’s not very quantifiable and therefore, not very accurate, is it?

… is happiness a science? An art? How has it evolved over the years? Are we happier now compared to our ancestors? Or did they know something we don’t?

… is happiness something you chance upon when you’re not looking for it or is it the result of a series of deliberate choices?

… and if happiness is a choice, does that mean my misery is all my own fault?

… are happy people boring? Are miserable people more interesting? Would you rather be happy, well-adjusted, ordinary with little talent, or miserable but with a high IQ and kick-ass gift that’s out of this world?

… can money buy happiness? I say, hell yeah! And the people who insist that it can’t are just jealous cos they have no money.

… which is more desirable – a life of happiness or a life of passion?

… is our pursuit of happiness just another one in a long, long line of trends? You know how one minute, something’s in and every celebrity on the planet is endorsing it? Who knows – maybe one day, it’ll be hip to be miserable and our role models would be tortured poets who’d killed themselves, like Sylvia Plath.

… are we trying too hard to be happy? And in the process, making ourselves horribly unhappy? Is our desperate pursuit of happiness a … pandemic?

The answer to all these questions is: I don’t know. And while I plan to read Dan Gilbert’s book, I don’t have time to read the other 378,358. Which means I’ll probably never figure out all the answers. And that makes me rather … unhappy.

The Best Feeling In The World

Visage de la Paix by Pablo Piccaso

I get this feeling. I love this feeling. It hits me the moment I wake up in the morning. While it doesn’t come every day, it’s instantly recognisable when it does. It’s hard to describe this feeling but I’m going to try. The feeling is a light one – not consuming or oppressive or strong. Not imposing or intrusive. Just light, soft and quiet. It reminds me of one of those mornings back when I was young and getting ready to go to school. I feel young. And I’m happy. Not deliriously joyful or wildly ecstatic. Just a non-theatrical, non-dramatic kind of happy.

If this feeling were a colour, it would be yellow.

I have no reason to feel happy; I just am. The feeling of happiness is mixed with what I can only describe as promise – a delicious sense of awe that there’s just so much to savour in this life. So many ideas to absorb, so many experiences to have, so many books to read … so many things out there to love. I wish I could grow gigantic enough to wrap my arms around every single one of them and soak them all in. Make them all a part of me so I never miss out on anything. I feel a bittersweet twinge of sadness that life is so temporary, so fleeting.

If being alive means having the ability to feel like this,
I never want to die.

I’ve been feeling this way a lot these mornings. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s December. Maybe it’s the rain. Who knows. Every time it nudges me in the morning, it’s like an old friend coming to visit. It’s familiar. It’s beautiful.  It’s me. I wish I could bottle up this feeling in a jar and carry it with me forever. Then I would never be sad.

I’m not doing too good a job trying to describe this feeling, am I? Just typing this now, I feel my heart swell up. I’m not trying to be sappy here (far from it) but I can’t think of any other way to describe it.

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

Gustave Flaubert, in Madam Bovary, laments the inadequacy of language to properly capture and express what we feel inside, “Human speech is like a cracked kettle on which we tap crude rhythms for bears to dance to while we long to make music that will melt the stars …”

……………………………………………………………………………………………………..

That’s what I’ve been attempting to do here in the last three paragraphs, I guess – play on that same cracked kettle.

15 Things That Make Me Happy

1 Morning time … especially Friday, Saturday and Sunday mornings! Sunlight streaming through the windows, air of silence underlined by the whirring fan above, birds chirping. I live for the mornings!

2 An upcoming holiday … need I say more?

3 My laptop … I swear I don’t know how I existed before my laptop came along. It is one of my most prized possessions – right up there with my car, my camera and robust pair of lungs.

4 Being busy … I love being busy but the good kind of busy, of course. Not the running-around-like-a-headless-chicken doing a lot of stuff but achieving nothing. Purposeful running around I love! I call it being in The Zone. I love The Zone. It’s my place.

5 Mika and Jason Mraz … I just love Mika’s Big Girl (You Are Beautiful) and Love Today; and Mraz’s Butterfly and Make It Mine. I have many other happy songs, of course, but for some reason, these few never fail to cheer me up. Especially when things suck.

6 Post-exercise … ah, there’s nothing like that euphoric feeling you get after exercising. That layer of perspiration; that happy sense of satisfaction that once again you’ve defeated the demons of procrastination; that unbearable lightness of being (hi, Milan). Nothing feels better.

7 Simple food … forget fancy meals. Know what foods make me insanely happy? Bagel and cream cheese, chunks of juicy chilled watermelon, teochew porridge, baked beans and egg, sausages and ketchup. No I’m not kidding.

8 A great book … I’ve read many good books but what truly thrills me is the discovery of one that can keep me so engrossed that I forget time and place. One from which I need to literally tear myself away just to eat or sleep. One I can’t stop thinking about long after I’ve finished it. One that I can’t help but rave about to anyone who will listen. One where I get sucked into their world, am emotionally invested in the characters, love whom the author intends for me to love and hate whom the author intends for me to hate. One that makes me think and see things in ways I never have before. One that, hopefully, makes me a little smarter after having read it.

9 Camwhoring … I can’t remember life pre-digital camera. Oh yes I do. It was boring as hell. Though I don’t go around with my camera surgically attached to my colon (like some people), my beloved Canon is a must on important occasions.

10 Rain … especially late at night when I’m tucked in bed (not when I’m stuck in a jam on the way home from work – %$#@^#$@#!!).

11 The Office … watching The Office makes me happy. Even if I’ve had a sucky day, just watching an episode or two can easily cheer me up. Makes me forget how sucky things are. I love it.

12 Youtube.com … it’s almost a religion with me. Every night, I’m on it. I can’t go to sleep otherwise. If youtube were a man, I’d get married like right now. That’s how strongly I feel about youtube.

13 Facebook.com … ditto.

14 SMS … I adore SMSes. I don’t know how I ever lived before SMSes came along. Oh ya, now I remember: I talked on the phone. Yuk. I hate talking on the phone. Truth be told, I don’t even like getting calls. My phone rings and I shudder. I hear that delightful ‘ding’ that signals a new message and I feel … happy.

15 Emails … maybe it’s this whole writer thing: I love writing so I take to email like duck to water. I love the whole thought process that goes into an email. A well-crafted email is a thing of beauty to me. It’s … literature. Unlike talking when things just come spilling out of your mouth and you have no record of whatever you’ve said, an email is a black-and-white record. It’s also a very accurate display of how things work in your mind. A sloppy email is the sign of a sloppy thinker.

Funnily enough, none of the things that make me happy include spending money on things. Who would’ve thunk.

Clambering Up Mt Kinabalu

On our way to the Kinabalu Park HQ. Would be lying if I said I wasn’t a teensy weensy bit worried. Yeah, I read lots of blogs about Mount Kinabalu but hey, you never know okay. Worried about being up there in the mountain, vulnerable to the elements, at the mercy of the spirits. We didn’t have an appropriate sacrifice to appease the gods of the mountains either – no chicken wings or ribs or anything, so yeah, I was worried.

After registering at the HQ, we met our guide who was apparently also going to be our porter. He was incredibly shy and TINY. I wondered how in the world he was going to be able to lug our three humongous bags, which must’ve weighed close to 20kgs in total … plus his own bag some more. Oh my god.

Took a bus from the HQ to Timpohon Gate. Registered and got our tags (you know, so they can identify us in case they find a body or something) and off we went!

In all honesty, the hike was pretty easy. The crudely constructed ‘stairs’ can be a little steep at times but as long as you paced yourself, you were fine. We pretty much ate throughout the whole way. Apples. Cheese sandwiches. Fried chicken. Really expensive energy bars. Really gross energy gels. You name it, we ate it. I drank a lot too. And so, had to make a stop at every pondok. I also took pictures at every pondok. Haha. I believe in celebrating achievements no matter how lame.

This was Pondok Nombor Satu …

… Pondok Nombor Dua …

… Pondok Nombor Tiga … Empat, Lima, Enam …

… um, you get the picture …

The higher you go, the landscape starts to gradually change and the temperature drops.

The air is fresh, pleasantly chilly and it gets all misty, which was really beautiful because it was almost like you were entering another world.

There were some parts which were all muddy and rocky, but they were still manageable. We thanked our lucky stars that the weather was fine all morning. In fact, it was absolutely gorgeous weather, which made the climb so much more fun.

We passed many other climbers (or rather, they passed us) and guides and porters (okay okay, so they passed us – whoosh) … it’s amazing how much stuff these porters can carry and they’re all tiny! Like a third of the size of a typical Big Mac guzzling angmoh. The porter in the above picture is a woman who looked about fifty (!!!) and there were a number of little kids – no older than 13 – who were lugging huge fancy-schmancy backpacks at RM7 per kg. Wow.

Along the way, we had to make way for some guides who were carrying a guy down on a stretcher (!!!!!!!!). Apparently, he had been up on the summit that morning when he slipped, fell, whacked his head real hard on the rocks and broke his leg. He was bandaged up and in real bad shape. Gulp. We looked at each other and plodded on. Don’t. Say. Anything. Very pantang one.

While the trail itself wasn’t terribly difficult, non-stop ascending does eventually take a toll on you as the hours go by.

Our legs began to feel a little sore as we approached the fifth hour of climbing. But the scenery was transforming before our very eyes and I guess that kinda distracted us from the fact that our legs were starting to sorta feel like they were going to detach themselves at the knees.

At one point, the trees began to turn all black, dried up and gnarly; it was like being surrounded by an army of skinny old (evil) men. It was quite surreal. A veritable jungle of horrors … and speaking of horrors. That was when things started to unravel.

I felt a … (cue scary chainsaw-massacre-type music) … RAINDROP. My heart sank into my hiking shoes. The last thing we wanted was rain (!!!!) … I quickly pulled on my Lafuma wind-resistant, water-resistant, everything-resistant rain jacket whatchamacallit and tucked my camera right into the pocket. And then, IT POURED. It poured fierce.

Needless to say, I didn’t take any pics at that point because I was trying hard not to slip on the rocks, fall off the mountain and die. I also didn’t want to get my camera wet (duh). It was then that I learned how important it was to waterproof EVERYTHING. Everything’s gotta be waterproof – your jacket, your pants, your bag, your socks, your shoes (are there such things as waterproof socks and shoes?). We were all soaked to the bone!!! And freezing half to death. We climbed and climbed and there seemed to be no end in sight. I swear my legs were going to fall off and roll down the mountain right into the gnarly trees.

After climbing for what seemed like FOREVER, I spotted the tip of what looked like a roof from a distance. Oh my god!!! Laban Rata!!!!! Finally!!! Infused with a sudden newfound energy, I dragged my sorry ass up the rocks … ah, in a few moments, I’ll be out of these drenched clothes and snuggled up in a nice, heated guesthouse and … argh!!! It wasn’t Laban Rata but $#%@#^%!@# Waris Hut. I knew because I saw the sign which said in big bold yellow letters: WARIS HUT. #%#@$#@%!!!! Another pondok!! Obviously, I wanted to kill myself right there and then. Unfortunately, my fingers were so frozen from the cold that I could hardly wrap them around my chocolate bar, let alone around my neck.

We huddled in the miserable little pondok while the sky thundered and continued to pour torrents of rain down on us. It was merciless. I began to wonder if we’d wind up sleeping here in Waris Hut that night. We willed the rain to stop but obviously, our will was pathetic because it rained even harder. After a long while, we decided oh heck it, we’ll continue in the rain. Who cares. We were all wet anyway.

And so we did. And it took us a grand total of … (drum roll please) … two minutes to reach Laban Rata. Finally! We were there!!! We were so happy, we took all these nice pictures.

This was the amazing view from the balcony. It was so cold I could stay out long enough only to snap a couple of shots before we dashed in to fill our famished tummies.

Laban Rata was no five-star joint but it was cosy enough. I guess anything that even remotely resembled civilisation would’ve looked grand after 6 hours of climbing … in the freezing rain.

This is a pic of us in our room. Okay, here’s the truth:

1. There are three double-decker beds and you’ll wind up bunking in with other people (whoever the girl at reception feels like pairing you with, I guess)

2. The heater is only turned on at 8pm. Problem was, we hardly noticed it when 8pm lolled around because the heater hardly worked! We continued to freeze.

3. They told us there’s heated water – they lied. It was evil. We nearly died in the shower. There are also only two shower stalls so you may have to line up.

4. The mattress was tough, the sheet kept coming off and the pillows were made of cement.

5. There are no cabinets, shelves, hooks, etc so everything goes right on the floor.

THE SUMMIT (NOT)

The pictures you’re about to see were not taken by yours truly, but by my dear friend Siew Fun. Why, you ask? Because unlike her, I didn’t summit. Ya ya, I know, how can? After all the trouble and going all the way, etc etc etc, why not la? In one word: I don’t want to talk about it. Okay, so that was like seven words but hey, this is my blog and I can do whatever I want. Suffice to say that it had something to do with snoring (not mine la aiyo), pounding headache, insomnia, wet, cold, chicken, beanie, ear plugs and a short attempt at sleeping while standing up. Satisfied?

The point isn’t that I didn’t summit. The point is that Siew Fun did and she took lots of pictures and they were all fabulous!

Siew Fun’s climb experience in her own words, “It was freezing!! My fingers nearly fell off!! My gloves were soaked right through!! It was pitch black and I had no idea where I was going!! My headlight wasn’t bright enough!! Thank god the guide was there with his torchlight or I would’ve lost my way!! I should’ve brought a ski mask!! I may’ve looked like some bank robber but at least my face won’t turn to ice!!” [excessive use of exclamation marks all mine]

Once the sun fully rose at 5.30am, it was breathtaking. It was pretty crowded at the peak – coincidentally, it was Merdeka day that day. Siew Fun wasn’t being very patriotic; she didn’t bring her Jalur Gemilang to wave it around in front of all the pendatang asing (I know cos I dug around her bag the night before). After spending a grand five minutes freezing on the fourth highest point in SEA, she made her way down.

At 9.30am that morning, we bade bye-bye to Laban Rata and prepared our knees for the 6 hour hike down the mountain. Down, down, down we went …

… past the gnarly Valley of Death … the trees sneered at me. They taunted me for being a total chicken and not reaching the peak. They laughed at my fancy jacket and said I’d wasted all my money buying all this gear only to fail right when it mattered most. They also said I was a spoilt city girl who couldn’t even climb a tree, let alone the fourth highest peak in SEA. Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, they said. In retaliation, I threw a candy wrapper onto the ground (no la, I didn’t; I never litter. Besides, I was scared the mountain spirits might follow me home).

The hike down wasn’t too bad but it was tough on the knees. Some of the other hikers were surprised we didn’t have walking sticks. I really don’t think walking sticks are all that necessary unless you’re hurt or something. Anyways, I took the two pics above as I was nearing the exit … I liked them because they had such a fairy-like quality to them with the towering trees, thick mossy carpet, roots protruding right out of the orange earth and snaking their way across the path. With sunlight streaming through the trees, it was pretty magical. I half-expected little elves and pixies to appear somewhere …

… and ah, finally, we were out! By this time, our legs had turned to rubber and walking had become unpleasant, to say the least. We could see the Timpohon Gate already… but the crap part was, we had to climb some more stairs to get up to the gate. Aiyo, already climbed for so many hours yesterday and now, climb some more!! I was literally lifting my leg with my arm (try picturing that – haha) to position it on the next step. Left, right, left, right. Argh.

We hobbled into a waiting van and were driven back to HQ. It was nice to sit down. It was nice to stop walking. Once we reached HQ, we hopped into another van that would bring us back to the hotel in the city. And then …

… it POURED. Real fierce. Thank god we were out by that time!!! I’m writing this two weeks after returning from KK and if anyone were to ask me how my trip went, I’d tell them it was great. Sure, I didn’t summit, but it was still a really fantastic experience. I’m now stronger, wiser and have a pair of beautifully sculpted calves!