30 Things I Know For Sure

I just had a birthday and I’m officially old. It’s nice to be old because I can be as senile, long-winded, grumpy and as big a bitch as I want, and if anybody asks me why I’m that way, I can snort and say, “Chiu! Cannot meh??” Another perk of being old is I now have the license to share all the wisdom I’ve gleaned through the years. After living for so long, the amount of salt I’ve eaten is now frightfully close to the amount of rice I’ve eaten, so here are 30 things I’ve learned:

1. You grow stronger when life sucks.
2. Things are never as bad or scary as you expect.
3. This too shall pass.
4. Thinking is over-rated (and while we’re at it, so is Drew Barrymore).
5. Worst case scenarios almost never happen.
6. The best antidote to fear is action.
7. You will regret the things you haven’t done, more than those you have.
8. There’s never a ‘right’ time to do something; just do it. Once the body starts, the mind will follow.
9. Things can take a miraculous turn for the better in a blink of an eye (unfortunately, the opposite is also true)
10. Stop trying to be perfect – it will kill you and nobody will even care.
11. Never make decisions when in emotional turmoil; you will almost always regret it.
12. It’s okay to give yourself a break sometimes. The world will still turn, the grass will still grow.
13. You never feel bad after a good run. But you’ll feel bad after a bad one. Um, what’s my point again?
14. Never quit something just because it’s tough.
15. Life will not always go the way you want. Deal with it.
16. You don’t have to like everything you do.
17. Looking good is about posture and proportions, not a smoking hot body (although that helps).
18. Don’t believe everything you read or see.
19. It’s okay to feel bad every once in a while.
20. Don’t listen to the advice of stupid people.
21. Appreciate your ability to feel, whether it’s happiness, sadness or %@$#@$#$!!@ – it means you’re not dead yet.
22. Be passionate, be expressive, be genuine.
23. When pissed off, pick a song that best expresses how you feel and sing it at the top of your lungs (who cares if the driver next to you thinks you’re nuts?)
24. News flash: the world does not revolve around you.
25. The worst time to make a decision is at 6am in the morning (because the question is always about whether you should wake up and the answer is always ‘no’).
26. Don’t wear T-shirts with silly sayings; they just make you look tacky.
27. Take lots of pictures. You will be glad you did when you hit 60.
28. Detach, detach, detach.
29. Eat chocolate every once in a while.
30. Contrary to what those below 18 probably think, life does get better as you grow older.

The 10 Signs Of Auntiehood

In other countries, auntie means the sister of your father or mother; the wife of your uncle. Here in Malaysia, auntie means different things. It represents a certain phase in life, a certain type of appearance and certain ‘auntie-type’ characteristics. When someone calls you an Auntie, it’s not a compliment. In my post today, I invite you to do an Auntie Quiz, which I have so ingeniously devised. Answer every question with a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ and find out if you are indeed an Auntie.

1. Do you have a general disdain for the sun and will go to any length to avoid it? [Y / N]

You wear a straw hat (and not like the ginormous designer one like Kim Cattrall had on in SATC) but more like the type farmers wear to tanam the padi. You also wear those ‘sleeves’ that go all the way up to the upper arm – either that, or you half-wear a long-sleeved shirt (if you don’t understand what I mean, you’re not Malaysian).

2. Do you waddle from side to side instead of walking? [Y / N]

Your arms are bent most of the time at a ninety degree angle, shoulders swing from side to side, duck-like. Sometimes, there is over-enthusiastic arm-swinging. Your purse is humongous and bursting at the seams, and is usually situated right under the arm in a typical kepit fashion.

3. Do you have Auntie Hair? [Y / N]

Auntie Hair is a mysterious thing and is hard to pin down. But by and large, Auntie Hair is Big Hair just like those you see on mak datins (this of course, mostly refers to Aunties with a lot of money). The hair is monstrous in proportion and is frightening enough to startle both large animals and small rodents. Auntie Hair can also be permed and short, kind of like a bouquet of black candy floss coating the skull.

4. Do you wear carrot-cut jeans? [Y / N]

In America, they call these mom jeans; in Malaysia, we call them Auntie Pants. Auntie Pants are high-waisted – this elongates the distance between waist and crotch and wraps around the tummy in a most unflattering manner. Auntie Pants emphasise the hips and thighs (something no woman – no matter what age – wants) and then taper down to abruptly end right above the ankle bone.

5. Do you have cracked heels? [Y / N]

You mostly wear slippers or sandals, which expose your feet to all kinds of dirt and grime on a daily basis. And because you pay more attention to your face than your feet, you have these horrible cracked heels with dark grey lines, dirt all seeped deep into the cracks, which can be easily eliminated with Scholl cracked heel balm in just three days! [insert advertisement jingle here]

6. Do you have tattooed eyebrows, eyeliner or lipstick? [Y / N]

If your husband / boyfriend has never seen you sans makeup, it’s cos you have it tattooed onto your skin. And the tattoo job is poorly done. Eyebrows are charcoal black with a bluish tinge, harshly drawn – you bear a close resemblance to a Chinese opera singer. Eyeliner also charcoal black with bluish tinge. Lipstick too red to be real.

7. Do you talk about buying things … A LOT? [Y / N]

Your conversation topics revolve around shopping, shopping and shopping. It doesn’t matter shopping for what – food la, clothes la, real/fake Gucci handbag la, sambal belacan la, whatever – you love a good bargain and will go on and on about it. What you bought, why you bought it, where you bought it, how you bargained to buy it, how you want to buy some more of it and how everyone else should also go and buy it the same way you did.

8. Do you wear makeup when doing physical activity? [Y / N]

You are fully made-up at the gym, in an exercise class or at the park. Of course, if your makeup has been tattooed on, then this statement is irrelevant. This statement is meant for those who haven’t gone the tattoo route and are still fully made-up when working out. Most of the time, you wear an exercise headband (that matches the rest of your outfit) and sometimes, if you’re in the mood, a visor.

9. Have people accused you of being an Auntie? [Y / N]

You have been at the receiving end of comments like, “Aiyo, why you so auntie one??” or “For heaven’s sake, can you stop being such an auntie or not??”

10. Are you worried about how you will score on this quiz? [Y / N]

This fear is an indication that deep deep down, you already know that you have the Auntie Gene. It has been laying dormant all these years and you have this terrifying feeling that it’s about to manifest itself.

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THE AUNTIE VERDICT

(0 YES) Congratulations!!! You are safe and will not be inducted into Auntiehood anytime soon.

(1-2 YES) Uh oh, Auntiehood is beckoning. You must be vigilant and whatever Auntie things you’re currently doing, STOP them right now.

(3-6 YES) You are quite Auntie already. There’s no hiding it. There’s still a sliver of hope though, but you need help and you need it fast.

(7-10 YES) Embrace your Inner Auntie for there is no turning back. Look on the bright side – Auntiehood isn’t that bad. It’s one step away from Ahpohhood, which most people will greatly respect and no longer make fun of.

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No aunties were harmed in the making of this post.
(A few may have been offended though)

Feeling Like 18 Again!

Coco Chanel said, “A woman who doesn’t wear perfume has no future.”

Good lord. I’d better spritz a whole bucket load on myself pronto. I confess: I’ve never been a big scent-wearer … unlike some girls who wear so much that they stuff up everybody’s nasal passages in the lift. Glug. Well, I’m not one of them. But I do see the point of wearing perfume. Well, three points, really:

1. Scent is an accessory, just like wearing a necklace or a brooch (did I just say brooch??!!). It gives you confidence, in the same way great shoes can, albeit in a more subtle way.

2. Scent has aromatherapeutic qualities – it can calm your nerves, soothe you, lift up your spirits, etc.

3. And of course, the popular one: a great scent can attract members of the opposite sex.

So, all you gotta do is pick the perfume that emits the qualities you want to associate yourself with and voila, you now have your signature scent. I admit, I wasn’t really on the prowl for a signature scent but then, out of the blue, I get little vials of Ageless Fantasy perfume in the mail.

Okay, so it wasn’t really out of the blue la … I’d written a post about ingenious ways to be more youthful (click here) and one of my points had been to wear a perfume that makes you “smell” younger. Believe it or not, you can smell younger. You know how there are some musky rose fragrances that just smells, well, old-fashioned or just plain old? Well, this smells nothing like that.

I’m no perfumer, so I don’t know the first thing about undertones and overtones and stuff like that. All I know is whether I like a scent or not, and this one, I like. It’s fresh, zesty and smells like what I imagine to be a very sweet grapefruit that’s just about ripe for the plucking. The best part for me is that it’s soft and light, certainly not overpowering. There’s something very sweet and almost untarnished about it; it just comes across as being less “manufactured” than other scents I’ve worn.

And because the perfume’s supposed to make you ageless, I guess it does send signals to your brain, psychologically causing you to act and be more youthful. In fact, there was a research conducted by the makers of the perfume that claims that women wearing the perfume were perceived as 8 years younger than their biological age! Woo-hooo! 18 years old, here I come!!!

You know how they say your perfume should only be noticeable to those standing really close to you, or to the person you’re making out with? That’s a good point … cos I’ve had compliments from both groups of people. Haha … so it’s official. I – the one who’d always put shoes and hoop earrings above perfume – have become a convert.

Age Is The New Fat

Yes, you heard right: age is the new fat. Not only are we pressured to stay skinny like prepubescent boys, we’re now expected to like, not grow old. Wah lau. First, we must be beautiful. Then, we must be beautiful AND skinny. Now, we must be beautiful AND skinny AND eighteen. Good lord. I wish I were a man – all you’re expected to do is keep the toilet seat down, chew with your mouth closed and not scratch your balls in public (even this, half of you don’t do!!).

To paraphrase Helen Rubenstein, “There are no old women, only lazy ones.” Against my better judgment, I’m tempted to agree. Why not? You now have Botox, endless plastic surgery options, a diet that claims you can stop time if you stop eating forever, and even collagen-infused marshmallows (if this Japanese invention catches on here, trust me, wrinkles are not our biggest problem). And if all else fails, just die young lor. Soon, you’ll have Dignitas-like associations giving you the option of assisted suicide before the indignities of ageing ravage your looks (horrors!) … except that instead of taking a lethal dose of barbiturates like Craig Ewert recently did in his televised suicide, you jab yourself in the butt with a dose of Botox-cyanide – banish that last wrinkle and meet your maker at the same time.

While my thoughts run far and wide on this whole ageing issue, I don’t want to indulge in a lengthy discourse on it. That will take up too much time and brainpower. Suffice to say that since we live in this world, we need to play by the rules of this world and if looking younger means we get to stay in the game a little longer, then look younger we will. Here are 9 easy, non-surgical, non-wallet busting ways you can look younger in a jiffy. Guaranteed.

1. Makeup

The more makeup you wear, the worse (read: older) you look – especially when it comes to foundation. So tone down on the cake. As for lippy, stick to lighter shades. Stay away from shades with names that include words like ‘vamp’ or ‘midnight’ or ‘blood’ or ‘death’.

2. Hair

Grey hair is not happening, so must dye your hair. Also, get a modern youthful haircut (long hair can be draggy), but for the love of god, steer clear of the dreaded auntie perm and the giant datin hairdos. Another hair-related tip is always pluck your eyebrows – opens up your face instantly!

3. Teeth

Keep good teeth – clean, straight and white. Makes you look years younger. First, if you have problem teeth, get them fixed. Then get them whitened. Then stay away from anything that stains the teeth. There are too many to list here but a safe blanket bet would be to get a straw and drink everything with it – colas, coffee, tea, chicken soup, marmite, etc.

4. Eyewear

Stay away from boring granny glasses (ie. wire frames or rimless). Instead, go for rectangular frames that come in a tortoise shell or plastic, or a design with a really thick, funky temple. Go for upswept frames that will “lift” your face.

5. Wardrobe

Wear V-necks which direct the eye upwards. Avoid scoop or round necklines which draw attention to a sagging chest (oh my god!). Also, keep your silhouette tight and taut with figure-shaping underwear. Apparently, Gwyneth Paltrow wore two pairs of Spanx Power Panties to stay in shape after giving birth.

6. Candlelight

Stay in candle-lit rooms. Better yet, bring an arsenal of candles along with you everywhere you go. Avoid fluorescent lights like the plague. If you’re ever in a room with these dastardly lights, turn them off and light up your candles in the name of rekindling the romance of, um … life. Aiya, whatever la, just come up with a clever reason. “I look younger by candlelight” is NOT a clever reason.

7. Friends

Hang out with people who look older than you. Hang out with them in candle-lit rooms.

8. Posture

Stand up tall, stand up straight! Stop all that slouching or listless shuffling. Good posture instantly takes off 3 to 5 pounds – you look thinner, younger and your clothes look better too!

9. Perfume

Wear anti-ageing perfume. Yup, you heard me: the world’s first anti-ageing perfume was recently launched in London!!! It’s called Ageless Fantasy (ooooh) and is based on findings from a study conducted by the Smell and Taste Research Foundation back in 2005, which concluded that grapefruit-based scents smell more youthful (they also advised to stay away from rose-scented perfumes – very old-smelling wor). But since it’ll be a while before Ageless Fantasy arrives on our shores, I suggest you go buy a bunch of grapefruits at the local mini-mart and squirt some on yourself.

Last I checked, ageing is something we all go through, so I’m sure you all found my list very useful. If you didn’t and think this is all bollocks, well, POOH to you too. Go be old.

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Note: some of the tips here were stolen, I mean, adapted from Charla Krupp’s book How Not to Look Old: Fast and Effortless Ways to Look 10 Years Younger, 10 Pounds Lighter, 10 Times Better. For her full interview, click here.