Off The Arse

The other day, I exercised (after a shameful 18-month spate of sitting on my arse). And it didn’t involve a TV remote, a tub of butter or anything resembling a donut. I had to yank a fair bit of cobweb off my running shoes but I did it. Four days in a row, in fact.  I know. I was practically an Olympian.

And then I crashed. And proceeded to sit on my arse for another two months. I fear I’m on the verge of another sofa-bound 18 months which might just be the thing that does me in and turns me into the size of a house.

So, to bring this sinister turn of events to a screeching halt, I have devised a 5-point action-cum-motivation plan:

AIM LOW
You know how people are always encouraging you to reach for the moon so even if you don’t reach it, you fall and land on the stars? Or something to that silly effect. I say bollocks to that. I aimed for the moon – four times, no donut – and look how that turned out. I believe the secret to success lies in aiming low. Aim to get off the arse twice, nay, once a week. And when you do get off the arse once a week, you’ve achieved success. Success, no matter how pathetic, bolsters the spirit and heartens the soul. And this success will springboard, nay, skyrocket you to a whole new level. I call this level Twice-A-Week, which will bring you to (dare I say) Thrice-A-Week, which is the number of times experts all around the world tell us to exercise each week. And to think it all began with aiming low.

CLICK LIKE
As with everything you’re going to be doing for a prolonged period of time, you have to like it. Or at least not hate it. Having a goal (“I’m going to lose 30kg in two months”) or an endpoint (“I’m going to run until the end of this farmhouse”) is useless. I know because I used to have them. And once I achieved them, that was it. I realise I could have set another goal but that wasn’t a pudding I felt like diving into. My point is, if you enjoy doing it, chances are much higher that you will continue doing it. Exercising, that is. What did you think I was talking about?

FEAR FACTOR
Nothing motivates like fear. Picture somebody you would rather die than look like. Preferably somebody you know in real life and not like, the fattest dude in the Guinness Book of Records or something. Every time you are tempted to blow off a workout, think of him/her and how it would feel to look like him/her and how you’d never want anyone to be picturing your body if they were tempted to blow off their own workout.

GO NUDE
Take a good look at yourself in the nude. Doing this usually elicits two responses: (1) wah lau, I look like a house/whale/elephant/insert name of any other generously sized creature, or (2) wah lau, I look damn freaking hot. If you think you look like a house/whale/elephant, you’re probably right. This should motivate you to exercise so that you do not continue to look like a house/whale/elephant. If, on the other hand, you think you look damn freaking hot, seeing yourself in the nude should motivate you to work at maintaining the hot body that you have so that you never ever wind up looking like a house/whale/elephant.

POINT FIVE
I never had a fifth point. I just think it’s bad luck to stop at four.

London: Call It Quits

Honestly, guys, tell the truth … look at this …

Newsflash: smoking kills!

It seriously harms you and others around you!

I mean, it seriously does! No kidding. Feel like quitting yet?

I didn’t think so. And I think I know why – no exclamation marks, that’s the problem.

Sitting Is The New Smoking

Sitting is getting a real bad rep. It’s steadily climbing up the second-tier vice ladder. First-tier is the really hardcore stuff like drugs and gambling; second-tier is smoking and drinking – less hardcore but does no favours for your life or waistline. That second-tier has recently welcomed a distant, twice-removed cousin: Sitting.

According to experts, too much sitting contributes to higher rates of diabetes, obesity, heart disease and even mortality. In fact, scientists at the American Journal of Epidemiology conducted a study earlier this year where they followed 123,000 adults over a 14-year period. They found that those who sat more than six hours a day were at least 18 percent more likely to die than those who sat less than three hours a day. Oh my god. If six hours is the limit, then I am officially a Sittaholic.

I never intended for it to happen. It just did. A lot of it is peer pressure. After all, when everyone around you is sitting all the time, you tend to follow suit. Also there are just so many chairs everywhere – at home, in the office, in restaurants, in cars … Some of them are pretty comfortable too. We also see pictures of attractive people sitting in newspapers, magazines and books. People on TV sit a lot too, especially those on talk shows. Due to these circumstances, I’ve unwittingly been seduced into becoming a Sittaholic. I need help. I need to rid myself of this terrible affliction I never knew I had until I read this article five and a half days ago.

Fortunately, as is the case with every newly proclaimed Problem, there is a Solution. Experts have found a cure to Sitting. It is called … Standing. I’m familiar with the concept as I have, on occasion, indulged in a fair bit of standing myself. I usually do this when I’m not … sitting. These experts claim that standing helps you concentrate better, prevents drowsiness and makes you feel like a “general even if you just push paper”.

Unfortunately, not all experts believe that Standing is all that it’s cracked up to be. Standing all day long leads to unsightly varicose veins, long-term back injuries and is taxing on the heart. Ah, so much for standing.

Our bodies are not built for Sitting or Standing for long periods of time. Our bodies, experts tell us, are built to move. You know, so we can chase after hapless rabbits, outrun ferocious man-eating tigers and prance around the jungle plucking berries for supper. Because we were made to move, we are doing our bodies a grievous disservice by Sitting all the time.

My take on the whole matter? I’m a big proponent of balance. We need to have a carefully calculated, highly customised schedule that combines sitting, standing, walking and jogging at cleverly timed intervals throughout the day so that we can keep moving while going about our daily routines. This highly personal schedule will be calculated based on a thorough assessment of your height, weight, percentage and distribution of body fat, your diet, lifestyle, occupation, eyesight, the colour of your teeth and how many times you watched Oprah in the last two months.

Follow this highly customised schedule religiously for 28 days (that’s how long it takes for an action to become a habit), and you will see visible physical results in 90 days (that’s how long it takes for your body to respond to lifestyle changes) and you will then achieve Optimal Health.

Optimal Health, that is, until the experts decide on what the next big Problem is. I hate to treat something as grave as Sitting so flippantly, but I have yet to win the fight against Knee Obesity – a condition I’ve been busy battling since February this year – and I can’t afford to have two big Problems at the same time. There are only 24 hours in a day, you know.

Good To Be Fat: 25 Reasons Why

Newsflash: my body weight has increased by 12% in the last three months. That’s right. I’m not freaked out. In fact, it’s got me thinking and I’ve come to the conclusion that being tubby isn’t all that bad. There are many advantages to being tubby / chubby / plump / big-boned / fat / whatever. Here are 25 of them:

1. People make way when you’re lumbering towards them. When you’re skinny, they stay where they are and expect you to turn sideways and squeeze through.
2. You perspire more, which means you’re eliminating more toxins than skinny people.
3. You have many layers of blubber and therefore, can withstand cold weather better – great if you plan to migrate to a cold country.
4. You don’t have to worry about becoming some shriveled old prune when you turn 60. You’ll have enough blubber reserve to be what young folks like to call, “A jolly old lady”.
5. Babies like you more.
6. Dogs like you more.
7. Come to think of it, even your grandmother likes you more.
8. If you’re ever stuck on an island with no hope of ever being rescued, you’ll be the first to be killed and eaten – that’s a good thing because that way, at least you’ll be humanely killed by your friends (unless you have very evil friends who hate your guts). Your friends will later be ravaged by the mysterious, monstrous beasts that have been skulking around in the bushes waiting cunningly for their chance to attack and tear the heads off – wait, I’ve been watching too many castaway movies.
9. People think you’re jolly even when you’re scowling.
10.  People assume you’re healthy because of all those nutrients in the mountain loads of food you’ve been scoffing down.
11. You get to buy new clothes!
12. You have an excuse for wheezing your way up the hill; skinny people are frowned upon if they wheeze.
13. You have one extra thing to bitch about.
14. You can make fun of skinny people and accuse them of being anorexic.
15. You can wear shirts that say, “I may be fat but you’re stupid.”
16. You are bigger and therefore, more visually prominent (read: important), than everyone else.
17. Robbers will think twice about kidnapping you.
18. You can sit on people who annoy you.
19. You will actually have boobs and a butt.
20. You have more fun nicknames such as Tubs, Chubs and Pui-Pui, all of which are very, very endearing. Skinny people have nicknames like Skeleton, Matchstick, Beanpole and Praying Mantis.
21. You’re nicer to hug.
22. You can be BB (Big & Beautiful) as opposed to SW (Skinny & Whatever).
23. And if you’re one of those aimless, goal-less individuals who have no idea what to do their lives, being fat automatically gives you a life goal: to lose weight!
24. Your ass doesn’t hurt as bad when you sit for a long time.
25. I’ve run out of reasons and I’m too lazy to change the title of my post

Screw Discipline. I’m Going Back To Bed

I feel like crap. I have run no more than three times since I got back from the Singapore Marathon in December and I will say it again: I feel like crap. I’m battling a combination of wretched guilt, some extra poundage (I don’t know how much cos I don’t own a scale) and a crippling feeling of malaise. Before I bumble any further, I should explain my use of the word ‘run’. By ‘run’, I mean a pathetic attempt at walking and jogging and whining all at once – a Herculean feat especially since I have literally crawled back to square one as far as my stamina is concerned. It’s awful. I don’t know where that 2009-ME has gone. The one with all the discipline, drive, enthusiasm, energy … it’s like she died last December and left this miserable 2010-ME in her place. I do not like this 2010-ME. It’s a defective model.

So I’m going to get my act together … right … after … Chinese New Year. No no no no-o-o-o-o. Right now, right now. To get started, I shall now inspire myself with some quotes about the one thing I need the most right now: discipline.

“It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.” (Zig Ziglar)… My commitment and discipline have gone bust but I think I still have a smidgen of that character left. Now if only I can find it …

“Discipline is remembering what you want.” (David Campbell) … I seem to have forgotten in the face of other seemingly important, more ‘pressing’ things …

“Lack of discipline leads to frustration and self-loathing.” (Marie Chapian) … Self-loathing – yeah, plenty of that going around right now …

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” (Jim Rohn) … I have a horrible feeling that regret will indeed one day weigh tons – literally …

“No evil propensity of the human heart is so powerful that it may not be subdued by discipline.” (Seneca) … Well, I guess the desire to lie around in bed and have bacon bits for breakfast can be considered by some to be ‘evil’, can’t it? …

“If we do not discipline ourselves, the world will do it for us.” (William Feather) … Well, either the world or nature itself …

Hmm, so am I sufficiently inspired? I don’t know. Ask me tomorrow when I’m trying to get out of bed early in the morning. Ask me then.

Get Fit In 6 Minutes A Week!

Okay, somebody give me a cord. I want to strangle a researcher. First, they say don’t eat eggs, high cholesterol. Then they say, can eat eggs. Then, they say every day must take vitamins. Then, they say taking vitamins may be bad for you if you exercise. Then, they say every day must exercise for at least 30 minutes and now they say …

… 6 minutes of exercise A WEEK is enough to get fit. What the …??!!!

According to the Wellness blog at NYT, some researchers in Japan – after completing another grueling study on the collagen-boosting properties of wasabi sandwiches, I’m sure – decided to dump a bunch of rats in a big pot of water. One group (let’s call them Rodents A) was made to paddle for six hours and the other group (let’s call them Rodents B) was made to paddle furiously for 20 seconds. To make things more interesting, the researchers piled weights on Rodents B (what savages – and by savages, I mean the researchers, not the rodents). Rodents B was then allowed to rest for 10 seconds and then, dunked back to swim intensely for another 20 seconds. This was repeated 14 times, totaling about 4 over minutes in time. Then all the rodents were scientifically poked and prodded, and researchers found that the molecular changes – whatever that means – were the same in both groups of rats.

So the conclusion was, and I quote, “Six minutes or so a week of hard exercise had proven to be as good as multiple hours of working out for achieving fitness.”

And then, the killer question: Could it be that most of us are spending more time than we need to trying to get fit? Apparently, more and more sports scientists are beginning to say, “Yup.”

Aiya, so what is it now? 90 minutes, 60 minutes, 30 minutes, 15 minutes, 6 minutes? A month, a week, a day? Morning time, afternoon time or evening time? Rats or rodents? Gerbils or hamsters? Come on, hurry up. I haven’t got all day, you know. I have to go drown myself in a pot in precisely six minutes.

It’s Good To Be Chubby, Says Study

It’s half-way to being official: being chubby has its benefits. Researchers did a study (read it here and here) on 11,000 people over a 12-year period and found that people with a BMI of 25 to 29.9 were less likely to die than those with a BMI of 18.5 to 24.9. One of the authors of this study said and I quote, “Overweight is protective.”

What?? Overweight is protective? Protect us from what, I wonder. Death, perhaps.

Last I checked, my BMI was 19. Of course, that was five years ago and I haven’t checked since. I don’t believe in BMIs (just like I don’t believe in weighing myself). But now, they’re saying the fats we try so hard to avoid are actually good for us and can help us live longer. Aiya, why early-early never say?

I don’t know about these researchers, but I’ve come up with a few reasons in support of chubbiness:

1. You look jollier
2. Your butt doesn’t hurt when you sit for a long time
3. You’re nicer to hug
4. You’re more likely to have headlights and a bumper (if you know what I mean)
5. You can eat donuts and cookie sandwiches
6. You live longer
7. You’ll make a nicer-looking granny

Okay, I’m sold. It’s time to chase the chubs! (Of course I’m aware that this isn’t the actual meaning of chubbychasing but hey, if the shoe fits). My first order of business is to up my donut allowance to three a week. Yippy

Oh, The (Exercise) Guilt Is Killing Me

I haven’t worked out since Jan 10 – it was the day before I left for Tokyo. It has been a grand total of 18 days. Gulp. That’s 2½ weeks. More than half a month. To make matters worse, I’ve been piling on the ba-kua, kuih kapit and pineapple cookies for the past several days … plus I’ll be going to Cambodia this Saturday and won’t be back in KL until next Thursday. Oh god.

I know what it is: my routine’s been screwed up this month. It’s been a very chaotic first-month-of-the-year – there have been some significant changes taking place and I guess I’ve just been too distracted to work out. For me, working out has always been more mental than anything. If I’m not in the right frame of mind, I find it so much harder to do.

This is silly. I should be looking forward to my trip this weekend instead of mulling over how many more ‘workout days’ I’m gonna be missing. Besides, I know the dust will settle once I get back next week and I’ll get back into The Routine … and until then, I should stop treating this like it’s some kind of huge failure on my part.

*Gives self two tight slaps*

Yeah. I guess that’s what I’ll do.

I Hate Being Sick (Doesn’t Everybody?)

Yup. It’s the Putrajaya International 12-Hour Walk 2008 tonight and even though I’ve registered and paid, I won’t be going. Because. I. Am. Still. Sick. It has been one week and I. Am. Still. Sick. It’s downright bloody awful. Since Monday, I’ve had the viral flu – fever, headache, sore throat, chills, body ache, the works, and I’ve not slept in two whole nights. Last night, I was wide awake (and miserable) until 6.30am, so right now I basically feel like crap.

You know what’s the worst thing about being sick for me? Apart from feeling like a train wreck, I’m simultaneously suffering from three other things:

1. The ‘I-Shouldn’t-Be-Sick-Guilt-Complex’

I feel guilty every time I fall sick. I’d rather fall sick over the weekend than do it over the week and have to take time off because that makes me feel guilty. I know co-workers who have no qualms about taking a sick day or two, but I have this crazy Sacrificial Lamb mentality – god knows where it came from. Oooh, look at me, I can work right through the year without taking a single sick day; someone give me a medal. I guess I sometimes forget that nobody really cares.

To make matters worse, several days ago, an article in The Star brings up the fact that 5.5 million local employees in the private sector took an average of 4.2 days of medical leave per year, compared to Britain’s stellar 0.91 days per year. “Employers feel that employees are taking advantage in this area,” the President of Malaysian Employers Federation (MEF) was quoted as saying.

I felt worse after reading that despite the fact that I’d only taken one sick day since January. My Britain-like record had to be tainted so close to year end.

2. The ‘What’s-The-Point-Of-Eating-Broccoli-If-I’m-Going-To-Be-Sick-Syndrome’

I’m no health nut but I try to eat right as much as I can. I do the fruit and veggie thing, I rarely eat fried foods, haven’t touched carbonated drinks in years and you won’t find me lining up at a fast food joint all that often. And to be honest, I adore broccoli. And while I’m no fitness freak, I try to get in a decent amount of exercise every week. You know the saying, “A man’s health can be judged by which he takes two at a time – the stairs or the pills.” Well, I take the stairs three at a time!

My point is, I take care of myself. And I know it’s unreasonable but I get somewhat discouraged when I fall sick. All this stuff I’m doing … for nothing. It’s worse when I see someone next to me (who’s so obviously the poster child of what NOT to do) being perfectly happy and healthy during this rainy flu season. It’s not fair.

3. The Unwarranted Philosophical Journey

Being sick makes you start to think. Mainly because you’re lying around in bed all day with nothing to do. But yeah, it makes you think. I’m not a big fan of thinking. I think too much (to my own detriment) and I desperately want to find ways to stop this mental menace, but alas …

French mathematician/philosopher Blaise Pascal was quoted as saying, “The sole cause of man’s unhappiness is that he does not know how to stay quietly in his room.” I think there’s truth to that, don’t you? Take away your busy work schedules, your friends, your activities … take away everything on the side. Leave you just as you are, with nothing but you, your virus and (cue scary music) your thoughts. Three days and I guarantee you’ll go berserk. I already am. BERSERK AND DEPRESSED. There’s only so much me-time I can take.

………………………………….……………………………….………………………………

Okay, I’m done rambling. Do I feel better? A little. I’ll probably get better and be amused by all the stuff I’ve written here today. Oh well. I can always blame it on the fever – makes people do crazy things.

Does The Dead Baby Make You Wanna Smoke?

Okay. So we’re going to put ugly, full-colour pictures of deformed, rotting body parts on cigarette packs to gross out the smokers and get them to quit their nasty habit. A bit overdue but good la. And no, I’m not being my usual sarcastic self. I’m serious. I detest smoking and by extension, all the people dumb enough to do it.

“Yalor, it’s so bad but I can’t stop … it helps me de-stress, aiya, you’re not a smoker so you won’t understand … I will quit when I’m 180 … everyone at my office smokes … all my friends smoke … my grandmother/ aunty/ uncle/ father/ mother/ brothers also smoke and they’re all okay what … blah blah blah etc etc etc …”

Our dear minister comes out on record to state that we’ve only managed to reduce numbers of smokers by 2% in the past 10 years. Well, considering the fact that 5 out of those 10 years were wasted on the RM100 million ringgit Tak Nak campaign (and the other 5 doing god knows what), I think drastic measures need to be taken. And by drastic, I don’t mean another measly price hike. Please la. The only people who’d be affected are those earning well below the poverty line and I’m thinking if you’re in that income bracket, you’ve got more things to worry about than lung cancer, bud.

So now, we’re going to have these ugly, full-colour pictures of deformed, rotting body parts on cigarette packs. Good. In fact, I propose we take it one step further: people who buy cigarettes must be made to sit through 2 hours of one of MOH’s Kementerian-style videos (complete with the blurry low-resolution visuals, unattractive women and tigers leaping into the air in the end). The video shall be entitled ‘Smoking: DO YOU WANT TO DIE?’ … and it shall be a mind-numbingly boring documentary on how smoking insidiously, systematically kills off your organs one by one and shall end with extreme close-up shots of smoker teeth (a sure-fire winner). It shall also showcase photographs of ugly people who smoke (eg. local ministers and overweight celebrities with facial hair in all the wrong places).

And smokers will have to sit through this video EVERY time they purchase ONE pack of cigarettes, which will of course carry the ugly, full-colour pictures of deformed, rotting body parts. The more packs you buy, the more times you have to watch the video. And you can only buy ciggies / watch the video on a weekday during office hours. Hah. Of course I’m banking on the fact that people have things like jobs and therefore, won’t want to waste their time. There will certainly be those who have plenty of time to squander and will think nothing of wasting hours watching a freakishly boring video. Those are people who have no jobs. No job equals no income. No income equals no taxes. These people are a burden to the country and can die of lung cancer for all I care.