Off The Arse

The other day, I exercised (after a shameful 18-month spate of sitting on my arse). And it didn’t involve a TV remote, a tub of butter or anything resembling a donut. I had to yank a fair bit of cobweb off my running shoes but I did it. Four days in a row, in fact.  I know. I was practically an Olympian.

And then I crashed. And proceeded to sit on my arse for another two months. I fear I’m on the verge of another sofa-bound 18 months which might just be the thing that does me in and turns me into the size of a house.

So, to bring this sinister turn of events to a screeching halt, I have devised a 5-point action-cum-motivation plan:

AIM LOW
You know how people are always encouraging you to reach for the moon so even if you don’t reach it, you fall and land on the stars? Or something to that silly effect. I say bollocks to that. I aimed for the moon – four times, no donut – and look how that turned out. I believe the secret to success lies in aiming low. Aim to get off the arse twice, nay, once a week. And when you do get off the arse once a week, you’ve achieved success. Success, no matter how pathetic, bolsters the spirit and heartens the soul. And this success will springboard, nay, skyrocket you to a whole new level. I call this level Twice-A-Week, which will bring you to (dare I say) Thrice-A-Week, which is the number of times experts all around the world tell us to exercise each week. And to think it all began with aiming low.

CLICK LIKE
As with everything you’re going to be doing for a prolonged period of time, you have to like it. Or at least not hate it. Having a goal (“I’m going to lose 30kg in two months”) or an endpoint (“I’m going to run until the end of this farmhouse”) is useless. I know because I used to have them. And once I achieved them, that was it. I realise I could have set another goal but that wasn’t a pudding I felt like diving into. My point is, if you enjoy doing it, chances are much higher that you will continue doing it. Exercising, that is. What did you think I was talking about?

FEAR FACTOR
Nothing motivates like fear. Picture somebody you would rather die than look like. Preferably somebody you know in real life and not like, the fattest dude in the Guinness Book of Records or something. Every time you are tempted to blow off a workout, think of him/her and how it would feel to look like him/her and how you’d never want anyone to be picturing your body if they were tempted to blow off their own workout.

GO NUDE
Take a good look at yourself in the nude. Doing this usually elicits two responses: (1) wah lau, I look like a house/whale/elephant/insert name of any other generously sized creature, or (2) wah lau, I look damn freaking hot. If you think you look like a house/whale/elephant, you’re probably right. This should motivate you to exercise so that you do not continue to look like a house/whale/elephant. If, on the other hand, you think you look damn freaking hot, seeing yourself in the nude should motivate you to work at maintaining the hot body that you have so that you never ever wind up looking like a house/whale/elephant.

POINT FIVE
I never had a fifth point. I just think it’s bad luck to stop at four.