Yep, that’s right – positive thinking kills. I remember watching this episode of Oprah (an old episode – dang Astro and their reruns) and they were talking about self-esteem among teen girls. A rather unattractive girl stood up and said she wanted to kill herself cos she was too ugly to live. Jada Pinkett Smith, the celeb guest on the show, who’d just written some book on self-esteem, advised the ugly suicidal girl that the solution was to start each day with a positive affirmation – something along the lines of looking in the mirror every morning and telling herself she’s beautiful and special and smart and happy and a whole bunch of other stuff that isn’t really true.
While I don’t recall every little detail about that show, the reason why it stuck with me for such a long time was my immediate response: that it was such a load of hogwash. While I don’t advocate being all pessimistic and waiting for the house to fall down on you, I do believe in seeing things as they are. Positive thinking – when brought too far despite the stark reality of a particular situation telling you otherwise – becomes little more than denial, delusion and a whole new brand of crazy.
And there are nations of crazies (mostly lurking around the self-help sections of Borders) whose solution to everything is positive thinking. You have cancer? Oh, just think the cancer away. You hate your job? Be positive la. Stuck in a horrific traffic jam? You “created” that jam from all your negative thinking! You’re fat? Think skinny and the calories you’re eating won’t matter. You’re ugly? Tell yourself you’re gorgeous enough times and you will become gorgeous. This isn’t just bollocks advice, it’s an oversimplified approach to life and dare I say, a lazy approach too. Rather than do something about a bad situation (eg. put on some zit cream), you just think it into non-existence (eg. “My skin is flawless … my skin is flawless … my skin is flawless …”).
Positive thinking (aka Denial) can only bring you so far. Sure, it can help make you feel a bit better for a while, but not for long because whether you like it or not, reality sets in sooner or later.
For instance, you can say you’re beautiful until you’re blue in the face but if the reality is, you look like a dog, trust me, all the positive affirmations in the world aren’t gonna help. You look in the mirror and the image staring back at you is still … the same ugly. Then you’ll feel doubly worse for not feeling better.
The opposite of positive thinking isn’t negative thinking, it’s optimism. It’s taking in all the facts of a situation, looking for a positive solution, taking action and then, expecting a positive outcome at the end of the day.
So, if you’re unattractive, accept it. Not all of us can be [insert name of gorgeous woman here]. Find something positive about yourself that’s not made up and build on that. “I may be ugly but dogs like me and I can hop around the parking lot on one leg faster than you can”.
Forget all that positive thinking pop psychology that’s designed just to sell more books, audio tapes and make therapists and talk show hosts a bundle of moolah. If there’s something you don’t like about yourself and it’s within your control, do something about it. And if you decide not to do anything about it, then you don’t hate it enough, which means you can live with it, which means you should stop bitching about it and just get on with your life.
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12 Comments
October 7, 2009 at 8:39 AM
optimism is a good buddy of positivity.
October 7, 2009 at 12:48 PM
i don’t mean to say that positivity is a bad thing; just that the way it’s packaged and marketed – in that very Americanised self-help way – is just so … warped and many a time, not entirely helpful
October 7, 2009 at 12:32 PM
AGREED!!!
October 7, 2009 at 12:49 PM
I most certainly agree with you agreeing with me haha
October 7, 2009 at 12:32 PM
p/s: but I still lurrve Jada!! Hhehehehe
October 7, 2009 at 12:48 PM
really? hmm, I can take her or leave her …
October 8, 2009 at 11:42 AM
waiting for the house to fall on you hahaha; that’s damn funny. i love this post!
October 8, 2009 at 3:44 PM
Glad you liked it! … and thanks for dropping by
October 10, 2009 at 4:49 PM
Some of the positive thinking stuff out there is hogwash.
You shouldn’t confuse it with positive psychology though.
That leads us to think about what is under our control and that does bring results.
Generally when we are miserable, we concentrate on negative results and what is not under our control.
The best thing for someone who is not very attractive is to get a makeover and learn how to make the best of herself.
For the more general situation when the day went badly, it is best to step through three stages. When went badly and should be better (that’s where we begin – our foul mood.) Then ask what we can do better. Then ask “why did i do so well.” Try it. It produces stunning insights about mechanisms that are under our control. If we levered those, we would get positive results faster..
Hope this helps.
October 12, 2009 at 6:01 AM
Hey Jo Jordan,
Oh yes, plenty of stuff out there’s a bunch of bollocks … but I do know the difference between positive thinking and positive psychology. I guess when I say ‘positive thinking’, I’m referring to all that pop psych they feed us that’s mostly – if you ask me – too much fluff and too little substance. Positive psychology is the right way to go though. I like the idea of starting from a positive angle (and seeking to promote good values) instead of starting from the negative (ie. what ghastly mental disorders are you afflicted with?) and just seeking to ‘cure’ or alleviate these bad values. There’s a huge difference in the two approaches: how to be happy VS how to not be miserable!
October 12, 2009 at 2:14 AM
hmm positive thinking kills? not necessarily. The way that a person thinks is reflected in how they’re life tends to be.
October 12, 2009 at 6:07 AM
Sure, the way we think will affect how our life turns out. However, I don’t think that a person’s misfortune is always a reflection of his thought patterns – not all the time anyway … just as a person’s fortune isn’t just the result of his powerful mind methods. Many other factors are involved too. So while positive thinking may help (as long as we take all the facts of the situation into consideration and not be in denial about it), it isn’t the only contributing factor. Hmm … I wonder if people can tell that I just read Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers?