This may be news to some of you but yes, I do eat. Food la, what else? And quite regularly too *gasp*. Contrary to what you may think, I am NOT a chronic dieter and I do NOT have willpower of steel – more like willpower of mee suah. The sordid truth is, I’m an unrepentant snacker, have a sweet tooth and am embroiled in several toxic relationships. With food. And I’m gonna talk about some of them. Yup, you heard right: welcome to my very first bona fide “food” post!
But before I start, let me clarify that I am no gourmand, so my relationships are with some pretty unsophisticated foods. You’re not about to get any fancy-schmancy food descriptions or learn anything of any value here either. Just thought I’d set expectations straight
So anyway, on with my “food” post!

1. Barbecued pork [char-seoh-bak in Hokkien; char-siew-yuk in Cantonese; babi in Malay]
Okay, first up: I’m not a pork-lover. In fact, I’m rather picky with pork (that sounds almost poetic). The only pork I can never say no to, is a plate of char siew. I love them in thick chunks (not thinly sliced), all lean meat (no fatty bits) and doused in that beautiful brown gooey sweet sauce (the teen-cheong). The slices must be burnt along the edges so that the meat is encircled by a crumbly charcoal trim that’s almost black in colour. The contrast between the chewy lean meat and the sugary crunch of the charcoal-laced edge is divine.

2. Chinese barbecued pork jerky [bak-kwa in Hokkien; chi-yuk-kon in Cantonese; daging salai in Malay]
Technically, when it comes to chi-yuk-kon, I only go for chicken so it’s really kai-yuk-kon. My love for yuk-kon is undeniable. It’s a drug. I love the saccharine scent. I love the sight of flat square paper-like slices all piled up high in the glass case, the bright yellow spotlights honing in on them, highlighting their uneven surface, which isn’t unlike that of a teenager’s crater-filled, acne-riddled skin. I love it when yuk-kon is juicy (not dripping in oil), finely sliced or better yet, cut into cute little circles. It’s the food of the gods.

3. Barbecued chicken bun [seoh pau in Hokkien; siew pau in Cantonese]
I’ve developed an unhealthy addiction to Mr Siew Bao. Yup, that little kiosk in Sunway Pyramid (which also sells mooncakes and tambun biscuits). It’s halal, so it’s really chicken inside the siew pau, but it’s so-o-o-o good that you can hardly tell the difference (and no, I’m not having a Jessica Simpson moment here). The siew pau is round and its soft, not-too-crumbly pastry is baked to crispy perfection. Bite into it and out oozes tiny chicken chunks mixed in with that brown gooey sweet sauce that I love. I can easily eat three at one go, but no more than that la – what am I, a pig?

4. French fries [kentang goreng in Malay]
I love McDonald’s fries. They’re long, slim (but not too skinny), fried to a perfect state of crispiness, has that gorgeous golden yellow hue that just glistens in the sunlight. The best part is when they are a teensy weensy bit soft (which is how they get if you leave them alone for a few minutes). I don’t add salt or pepper, but I’m a ketchup fiend and can’t eat them without a tub of ketchup. Sometimes, I dip the fries in ice-cream. Yum.
5. Bread [lo-ti in Hokkien; mim-pau in Cantonese; roti in Malay]
I know that I’ve waxed lyrical about bread a couple of times before but this relationship is one that cannot be swept under the carpet. I just love bread, especially the sweet ones with raisins, butter and sugar, that’s a little bit moist and heavy in weight. I don’t fancy the fluffy variety that makes you feel like you’re eating nothing but air. I’m not a fan of busy bread though – you know, those with too much going on. For instance, the ones with 101 different types of grains and seeds and god knows what else, or the half-breed variety like those horrible pizza breads or half-cake-half-breads –somebody please explain to me what’s up with that??

6. Donut kebab [I have no idea!]
I love bite-sized foods cos they’re easy to eat and look absolutely adorable (which is why I’m so obsessed with sushi), so I’m a big fan of donut balls – small and round, lightly coated with powder sugar and all nicely lined up on a stick. You can get them at any bakery and most of the time, they taste good no matter where they’re from. You’ve gotta be a real moron to get donut kebabs wrong.

7. Preserved mango [lou-suain in Hokkien; yip mong-kuo in Cantonese; jeruk in Malay]
It was only in the past couple of years that I’ve become totally possessed by jeruk – particularly the preserved mango from AZ Jeruk. I’ll fill up the tub with ten bucks worth of pale yellow mango swimming in a sea of sugary syrup and tiny chili slices, then go watch a movie – sure beats popcorn anytime!

8. Calamari [char-jiu-he in Hokkien; chau-yau-yi in Cantonese, which also means ‘kena fired from your job’; sotong goreng in Malay]
I love deep-fried sotong – my favourite is the one you can get in Paris Restaurant in SS2. I can eat nothing but that, three meals a day. They’re ginormous with their little tentacles all gnarly and coated in yellow batter. It’s delicious when dipped in sweet chili sauce. Unfortunately, eating too much of this is begging for a heart attack. Why must bad things taste so good la?

9. Durian [liu-liang in Hokkien; lau-lin in Cantonese; also durian in Malay]
Of all the “foods” on my list, this is the only one that can be classified as a real food. Real as in natural and not processed until the mother also cannot recognise. I disagree with people who say the durian is stinky or tastes bad. Hello, chau-tau-foo is stinky; durian is not stinky. Bittergourd tastes bad; durian does not taste bad. What can I say, durian isn’t for weaklings. And if you think you want to acclimatise your tastebuds by first trying out one of ‘em durian cake, durian milkshake or durian whatever, don’t bother.






































