I went to the dentist today. I’ve only ever been to the dentist twice – once when I fell down and whacked my jaw against the sink, tore up my lip and chipped my tooth; and another time to extract my top two wisdom teeth. So, as you can see, I only go to the dentist when something is wrong and something was definitely wrong now. For the record, I’ve always had perfect teeth – never had a cavity in my life – but my tooth had been hurting for a few days and I figured I better get it checked out. This was how it went:
I enter the room. “I think I have a toothache.”
Bright sparkly smile. “Let me check your teeth first okay?”
“Is this going to hurt?”
“What?”
“Checking my teeth.”
“Oh no, it won’t hurt at all!”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes yes, I’m sure.”
Dentist checks my teeth, all happy and cheery. “Oh, looks like you have a hole in your tooth. The wisdom tooth right at the back … oooh.”
I feel faint. “Oh my god. What does that mean?”
“It means you need a filling!” Big smile. Happily rummages through all the torture instruments in the tray for what I presume will be a humongous chainsaw to hack my tooth out.
“I’ve never had a filling before,” I whimper.
“Yes, I can see that.” Big beam, brilliant white teeth shining in a row. “There’s always a first time for everything!”
“Is this going to hurt?”
“The filling?”
“Yes. Is the filling going to hurt?”
“Oh no, it won’t really hurt that much.”
I jump out of my skin. “What do you mean not that much???”
“It won’t really hurt. If you’re worried you can’t take it, I can give you a jab.”
“Is that going to hurt?”
“The jab?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, there may be a little pain when the needle goes in.”
“What?! Okay okay, no jab no jab.”
“Just let me know if you can’t take the pain okay?”
“Okay.” I clench my fists, preparing for the worst.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
The Dentist passes me a mirror. “Look into the mirror. I’ll show you the cavity.”
“I don’t want to see it.”
“Just take a look. It’s good that you understand what I’ll be doing.”
“Um, no thanks. I don’t need to know anything.”
The Dentist holds up my hands, my fingers are clenched around the edges of the little square mirror like the gnarled fingers of a corpse.
“Look there, now see … there’s the cavity. You see it?”
I nod. “Uh huh, I see it.” I don’t see anything.
“So what I’m going to do is … blah blah blah blah blah …”
I don’t hear a word she’s saying. Oh my god, I think. I’m going to get a filling. I’m going to pass out.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
And then it starts. I know why people hate the dentist. It’s those horrible instruments. All steel and tubes. All skinny and long and sharp. And they make the most horrific sounds. I swear, if producers of a horror movie got no budget for sound effects, just go to the dentist and record the sounds of those things la. Sure scare the living shit out of people one.
So the Dentist starts explaining to me step-by-step what is being done. I try to listen but all I can hear are the Sounds. The drilling. First of all, why would they call it drilling? Drilling is what you do to a concrete wall and they’re doing that to your tooth??!! Good lord almighty. And the sound is this bloodcurdling whir … whir whir whir-r-r-r-r-r … then the Dentist takes a giant ice pick or something and starts brutally scraping inside the hole. The sound is worse than fingernails on a chalkboard … scrape scrape scrape …. and scra-a-a-a-a-pe some more. Then the Dentist takes a chainsaw and forces it into my mouth. Then the whirring sawing motion again. Then the scary water spraying. Instead of a nice slushing sound of liquid, it’s that ghastly whirring again.
What’s with these dental instrument manufacturers? Can’t they invent things that don’t look and sound like death?? Hello Kitty makes all kinds of crap; why can’t they make dental instruments? All pink, fuzzy, smelling like strawberry and sounding like tinker-bell music. Why not, I ask you?? Why not??!! 
And then, we are done. “And that’s it!” chortles the Dentist. “We’re done. See! That wasn’t so bad now, was it?”
I agree. If I disagree, she might give me another filling.
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
I never ever want to go through this again. I ask the Dentist for advice. “Should I buy a mechanical toothbrush?”
“You mean an electric toothbrush?”
“Yes yes, an electric toothbrush. Should I buy one?”
“You can if you want but not entirely necessary la. A regular soft-bristled brush is good enough. Just be thorough.”
“What about those mouthwashes? The ones they advertise in the paper?”
“No la. Actually, those don’t really help.”
“Really???” Damn those advertising copywriters.
“Really.”
“I want to whiten my teeth. Should I whiten my teeth?”
“But you have such nice teeth already. Why would you want to do that?”
“I want them to be whiter.”
“Already so pretty, no need la.” (The Dentist really said that. I’m not bluffing.)
“I asked another dentist before and he also said he didn’t think I needed to do it. He said I shouldn’t tamper with perfection.” (Okay okay, so he didn’t say ‘perfection’ but he did say pretty – why don’t you people believe me??)
“See. Even other dentists say you don’t need it. Of course, it’s really up to you, but it’s not something I feel you need to do.”
“But I want wor.”
“Well, think about it and let me know then.”
“Will it hurt?”
“The teeth whitening?”
“Yeah.”
“No la. You just have to open your mouth wide and keep them open for a really long time.”
“Okay.”
16 Comments
July 16, 2009 at 3:39 PM
You pretty much have perfect teeth. Unlike me.
July 16, 2009 at 5:00 PM
Don’t be sad, Eric Foo. Go to the dentist. She will make it all better – hahaha
July 16, 2009 at 4:05 PM
Hmmm I’ll be going for my yrly scaling next Sat…
July 16, 2009 at 5:00 PM
I’m impressed. You actually visit the dentist for scaling and not when you have a problem. You’re my role model!
July 19, 2009 at 2:10 AM
Haha, ya i dun plan to have a filling…ever!
July 16, 2009 at 6:49 PM
I tend to do that. Clench my hands as the dentist drills away with a slight audible, whimper. I can take the scaling and the extraction but giant needles?! Can’t take the sight of em.
July 17, 2009 at 1:47 PM
cluck cluck cluck cluck cluck!!!
July 17, 2009 at 8:54 AM
Yes scaling at least 2X a year helps heaps!!
July 17, 2009 at 1:55 PM
I know. I’m so-o-o-o doing that now!!
July 27, 2009 at 3:46 AM
Does scaling help to prevent cavity holes?
I’ve only been to the dentist to extract my 1st round of teeth (when u’re a kid) n for braces…infact i’m so terrified of dentist that I volunteered to have all my wisdom teeth taken out even before it was time!
Never done filling before (God forbid!). Am tempted to go for a dental check-up…then again…since I’m a scary cat, so I’m also thinking ‘let the sleeping dogs lie’ :p
July 17, 2009 at 12:32 PM
“whacked my jaw against d sink”…
i like ur ways with words, winnie…
haven’t been to a dentist for….. for…. for…. err.. forgot..
July 17, 2009 at 2:00 PM
haha … yeah, my very special “way with words”
Looks like it isn’t just me who’s real bad with the dentist, huh?
July 18, 2009 at 12:58 AM
ROTFLMAO!!!!
you’re funnee
July 18, 2009 at 3:40 PM
Ha ha thanks
July 18, 2009 at 3:29 PM
me 2!!!
July 18, 2009 at 3:41 PM
you and me and almost everybody else on the planet