Into My World Of Black & White, A Little Grey Must Come

“I committed to running at least four times every week until forever. Omg, I only did it twice this week – I’m horrible and deserve to fall into a well. Even though I was sick, that’s not the point! I didn’t do my four times!! I’m going to become a sluggish, unattractive fat arse!”

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“I made a solemn vow to never eat simple carbs ever for the rest of my life. Omg, I’ve been terrible this week. I ate coconut buns, butter cookies and even had a McDonald’s takeaway for dinner. That’s it – I’m going to become a sluggish, unattractive fat arse!”

………………………………………………………………………………..

“I must get everything right and perfect with this job. I can’t allow even one single hiccup – the entire process from start to finish must be blemish-free. Omg, something bad happened – this whole thing’s going straight to hell! I’m going to lose my job and become a homeless person.”

………………………………………………………………………………..

“This piece of paper is as white as snow. I adore it. Omg, look – there’s a speck on it. Even though it came from the bird that flew over it and decided to crap on it and is therefore, something absolutely out of my control, that’s not the point! The paper’s totally ruined!”

………………………………………………………………………………..

I’m sure I’m coming across as a bit of psycho to you guys right now, but don’t worry – my therapist assured me last week that I’m still within the ‘normal human person mentality’ zone. I still have two more notches before I’m officially a nut job.

So I write this post in full mental capacity (yeah right!) and while I may sound kooky, these are thoughts many people suffer from. It’s the Black or White, All or Nothing mentality. The bolded words show a pattern of thinking in absolute terms. Shrinks call this Binary Thinking and list it as one of the ten Cognitive Distortions – Wiki it if you’re interested.

I did a little research in an attempt to save myself from this destructive thinking habit and found lots of tips. These are three that I particularly like:

1.  BE KINDER TO YOURSELF

I think we’re a lot harder on ourselves than other people are. Of course there are some slackers who are just plain irresponsible, unreliable and too soft on themselves – I don’t wanna waste my time talking to people like that. I’m talking to people who perhaps, drive themselves too hard not just at work but in all aspects of their lives.

I really like the idea of being kinder to yourself. How would you treat someone you love and care about? You’re kind to them. You forgive them for their mistakes (unless they did something truly horrendous like mutilate your dog or something but that’s a different story). You give them a second chance. You give them a break when you know they’re going thru a rough patch. How come we don’t do the same for ourselves? If I hear someone say stuff like the ones I’ve written at the beginning of this post, I’d tell them they’re crazy and one (or two) mistakes will not cause the world to come crashing down. I must remember to tell that to myself the next time I start up again.

2.  REPHRASE IT

It really is all about rephrasing. For instance, instead of saying “I committed to running at least four times every week until forever. Omg, I only did it twice this week – I’m horrible and deserve to fall into a well”, I shall say, “I choose to run at least four times a week. I managed to do it twice this week, which is pretty good considering the fact that I wasn’t feeling well. Bravo!”

Or we could go the E-Prime way and eliminate all uses of “is” and “to be” cos these verbs suggest identity and predication. To change our language is to change our view of the world … so instead of saying, “This project’s going straight to hell”, I shall say, “This project appears to be experiencing some challenges when executed under such pressing circumstances.” Wah, I feel better already.

3.  GO GREY

Nothing is ever absolutely black or white. We’re never totally done with something; everything’s an ongoing process. Our job isn’t going to be defined by this one incident, our relationship isn’t headed for destruction just because he forgot our favourite ice-cream flavour, our ambitions to become a marathoner isn’t shot just because we weren’t as consistent as we’d like to be this month. These things will come and they too, shall pass. One year down the road, will these things matter? Probably not as much as we think.

There’s bad (black) and good (white) in every situation. The trick is to be able to identify what’s good, accept what’s not so good and then, draw a conclusion with a dash of grey – voice of reason, balance and therefore, sanity. Wow. That’s some good advice. Someday, I plan to take it

I Want The Secret To Everlasting Happiness But … I Have Some Questions

I want to be happy. Sure, everybody says they want to be happy but not everybody means it; some people like being miserable. I don’t.  I genuinely like being happy. Maybe I was born that way. I get upset when I’m not happy – so not only am I not happy, I am not happy about being not happy. It’s quite a conundrum.

My problem isn’t that I like being happy. My problem is that it’s not enough for me to just be happy; I need to know why.  So, I went to Amazon and looked up books on happiness. There are 378,359. I’m thrilled: so much to learn! I just have so many questions! For instance …

… what the hell is happiness? Is it an emotion? A state of mind? A state of being? Is it hormonal? Is it a myth cooked up by marketers so that they can sell us stuff (and more books)?

… is happiness a skill? Is it something we can learn? Like learning how to cook pasta or change a car battery?

… is happiness something everybody can have? Or is it something you’re born with? Is it something you either have or don’t have?

… can you be happy all the time? If your happiness is based on getting what you want, then probably not cos you won’t always get what you want. But it’s possible if happiness is based on … nothing.

… is happiness a laborious process?  Something we need to work towards and achieve? Or is it something that’s instant, easily attainable?

… how many types of happiness are there? How many levels are there? Am I merely happy or very happy or very very happy? Am I happy enough???

… is my happiness authentic? Am I faking it? Do I know if I’m faking it? Am I truly happy or am I just on this merry-go-round of positive self-talk?

… are some people born happier than others? And if you were born unhappy, does that mean you’ll go through life having a harder time being happy than those who were actually born happy?

…  is ignorance truly the key to bliss? Are dumb people generally happier than smart people? Kids seem to be happy all the time. Are they that way cos they just don’t know any other way to be? Are knowledge and experience the enemies of happiness?

… can you measure happiness? If you can’t, how do I know if I’m happier today than I was a year ago? If I just base it on how good I feel, that’s not very quantifiable and therefore, not very accurate, is it?

… is happiness a science? An art? How has it evolved over the years? Are we happier now compared to our ancestors? Or did they know something we don’t?

… is happiness something you chance upon when you’re not looking for it or is it the result of a series of deliberate choices?

… and if happiness is a choice, does that mean my misery is all my own fault?

… are happy people boring? Are miserable people more interesting? Would you rather be happy, well-adjusted, ordinary with little talent, or miserable but with a high IQ and kick-ass gift that’s out of this world?

… can money buy happiness? I say, hell yeah! And the people who insist that it can’t are just jealous cos they have no money.

… which is more desirable – a life of happiness or a life of passion?

… is our pursuit of happiness just another one in a long, long line of trends? You know how one minute, something’s in and every celebrity on the planet is endorsing it? Who knows – maybe one day, it’ll be hip to be miserable and our role models would be tortured poets who’d killed themselves, like Sylvia Plath.

… are we trying too hard to be happy? And in the process, making ourselves horribly unhappy? Is our desperate pursuit of happiness a … pandemic?

The answer to all these questions is: I don’t know. And while I plan to read Dan Gilbert’s book, I don’t have time to read the other 378,358. Which means I’ll probably never figure out all the answers. And that makes me rather … unhappy.

The Slowest Marathoner In The World

There was a man named Shinzo Kanakuri. He joined the 1912 Summer Olympics in Stockholm. It got really hot, so he stopped mid-way for a drink. It must’ve been one bitch of a heat cos he stayed for an hour and by then, he was too ashamed to continue the race. So he went home. The Olympics people didn’t know where the hell he went and put him down as missing. 50 years later, he joined the Summer Olympics again and this time, he finished it. His time was: 54 years, 8 months, 6 days, 8 hours, 32 minutes and 20.3 seconds.

This was Shinzo Kanakuri. He was happy because he finished the marathon even though he was the slowest marathoner in the world. He’s dead now.

I feel a bit better. Thank you, Shinzo.

Hello, 2009 Bucket List. Remember Me?

Isn’t it funny how we are? I was just looking through my 2009 bucket list. Okay, before you flip out and jump to the conclusion that this is my Things-To-Do-Before-I-Kick-The-Bucket in 2009, let me explain why I’m using the term Bucket List (as inappropriate as it may appear to be):

• I don’t like the word ‘resolutions’. It’s too pompous, highfalutin. “Oooh, look at all my Resolutions, which I Resolve to do.” So serious, so strong, so resolute, so firm, so purposeful. Since I’m none of those things, I figured aiya, forget the Resolutions, honey.
• I like the word ‘bucket’. Okay, moving on!

So anyways, where was I? Oh yes, I was flipping through my journal (yes, I have one) and was looking at my January 2009 entry. I had lots of ‘buckets’ I wanted to kick. I had 8. And I say we’re funny because out of the 8, only one was related to work – a bucket which had already come to pass, though not in the exact way I’d envisioned (cue: Dan Gilbert and the great concept of synthetic happiness). The other 7 were related to a whole bunch of other stuff from hair to travelling to hiking, running to reading to um – yes, this is weird – moisturising (don’t ask).

But the point of this entry isn’t about my Buckets. It’s about how our priorities get screwed up too readily. It’s just strange that the things I really, truly wanted to do, which I had listed, weren’t the stuff I spent the majority of my time doing. Instead, 80% of my time is spent on the single work-related bucket (which shall, from henceforth, be referred to as Bucket No. 8), leaving me with 20% to spend on the other 7 buckets.

Isn’t that how life usually is? We have all these things we want to do and half of them aren’t even big grand things like conquering Everest. Half of them are just little regular things like say, catching up with a friend once a month or listening to a talk on www.ted.com once a week or whatever. But instead of channeling energy to these things, we let ourselves get swept up in the Great Tide of Life (more popularly known as the Great Tide of Work).

“I’ll get around to these buckets once Bucket No. 8 lets up,” we tell ourselves … but Bucket No. 8 never lets up. That’s why it’s called Full-Time Employment.

So what’s the moral of the story? I’ll give it to you:

1. Don’t wait until things let up to do what’s important to you. There will never be a perfect time. Being a perfectionist suffering from bouts of OCD, this is hard for me to grasp, but I’m learning.
2. Work is work. Work is not life. For someone like me who has all the textbook symptoms of one who’s veering dangerously on the edge of workaholism, this is a mantra I need to keep repeating. My ex-boss used to say, “Life is short and then you die.” That’s a piece of really good advice, don’t you think?
3. Keep up the lists; they’re good things. The concept of list-making has won itself many advocates and, at the same time, detractors. IMHO though, they do work. Sure, I may not have done all that stuff I’d listed early this year (not yet anyway), but my list exists to remind me that I still have half a year left and hey, honey, get cracking. If nothing else, it’s a great reminder.

I’m Delusional And I’m Liking It!

It’s official. I am suffering from DSS: Delusional Disorder Syndrome. That’s the only plausible explanation for why I just did what I did. What did I do, you ask? Um, I signed up for the Penang Bridge International Marathon. (Loyal reader: “Cheh, big deal …”) Wait, wait, I’m not done. I signed up for the PBIM 21K. (Loyal reader: “21?? You siau or what? Lu ai si ah??”)

See, I’m right: I am a crazy person. Not only do I suffer from DSS, I also suffer from a chronic case of DFFOL (Do First, Freak Out Later). I’ve had it ever since I was a child. Some people admire this – they call it a sense of exuberance, passion and boundless enthusiasm. Some people just think I’m plain nuts.

I’m beginning to be convinced that I may fall into the latter category. I was filled with exuberance, passion and boundless enthusiasm when I happily keyed in my credit card information and registered myself online. The reality of what I did didn’t sink in until oh, a few days later when I suddenly realised three things:

1. The 21K starts at 3am, which means we have to be at there at 2am. Omg.
2. 21K is very, very f-a-a-a-a-a-a-r. It’s 52.5 loops around a 400m track! It’s from PJ to Damansara! It’s 21,000m! Okay, now I’m freaking out.
3. The qualifying time for 21K is three hours, which means I’m supposed to run that whole distance in three hours or less. I’ve never even walked 21K and now I’m going to run it?? Omg.

But you know what? I think that thinking is the enemy. Which is why I plan to put a stop to thinking. That’s right. I’m going to stop thinking. Forever. It has brought me nothing but grief – the vicious cycles of over-analysis, tortuous self-debates, why this why that, what if this what if that … I’ve discovered that the more I think, the more self-doubt creeps in. Doubts like:

• Are you sure this isn’t just another one of your harebrained schemes to prove something to the world?
• You’re not as tough as you think la, remember that time when [insert unfortunate incident here]?
• Even [insert friend’s name here] is only doing the Fun Run, you think you’re better than him/her/them meh?
• What if you wind up Last in the race? Really no face la, especially since you went and announced it on your blog like a big shot!
• Eh, it’s very intimidating to run with real marathoners, you know. These people are fast!
• What if you get a headache / stomachache / toothache / leg ache / bad hair day? How to run like that?
• You’re jumping the gun la. You should wait until you’re ready and sure you can do it before going out there and embarrassing yourself and your mother / father / brother / sister / dog / cat.

Yeah, these thoughts plague me every now and then. But being a sufferer of DSS, DFFOL and an avowed anti-thinker, I’m able to rise above these debilitating thoughts. So I’m here to say yes, I will be attempting the 21K and I will finish it and I will look back and be glad I did it.

Running Quotes Guaranteed To Get You Off Your Butt

I love quotations … I’m sure you can tell if you’ve read my About My Blog page. Being a person who’s pretty obsessed with words, I’m constantly amazed at how such great truth and insight can be squeezed into one tiny little sentence, making it so powerful that it can transform the way you view something forever.

Since I’m masquerading around like a somewhat health-conscious, fit person in my blog (I wonder how many people I’ve managed to fool so far), I’m going to take it one step further and share with you some quotes that motivate me or simply make me laugh.

8) It’s mental until you pass out; then it’s physical.
I don’t know who said this but hahahaha! And you know why it’s so funny? Cos it’s true!!!

8) The miracle isn’t that I finished; but that I had the courage to start. John Bingham
Being the author of books like ‘Marathoning for Mortals’, ‘The Courage to Start’ and ‘No Need for Speed’, you know this guy is rooting for the non-super human athletic machines.

8) There are clubs you can’t belong to, neighbourhoods you can’t live in, schools you can’t get into, but the roads are always open. Nike
Nike always has the most amazing lines and this is one of my favourites. It’s so powerful: running is the great equaliser. It’s just something everyone can do.

8) Run like you stole something. Daniel Farrow
Haha, this is funny. It’s a good trigger, isn’t it? Just imagine the ISA coming after you with tear gas.

8) Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today? Peter Maher
I like his no-nonsense approach: wuss, weakling, baby, lousy good-for-nothing crap of a … sorry, I’m getting a little carried away.

8) Pain is temporary; quitting is forever. Lance Armstrong
When you’ve had testicular cancer and have staged a mighty comeback to win the Tour de France seven times in a row, whatever you say is gold.

8) Run if you can, walk if you have to, crawl if you must, just never give up. Dean Karnazes
At the end of the day, it’s not going to matter if you ran, walked or crawled past the finish line … but once you give up, you’re going to have to live with that sorry fact for the rest of your life. That’s gotta suck.

8) Your slowest run is still faster than sitting on the couch.
I’m going to start telling myself this whenever I feel bad for not pushing myself hard enough or if some fat-arse makes fun of me. I’m just gonna say, “Hey fatty, I may be slow but I’m still faster than your big fat good-for-nothing crap of a … oops sorry, getting carried away again.

8) N-n-now that that don’t kill me can only make me stronger. Kanye West
Yup, as long as I don’t die, I’m getting stronger, faster, better, smarter … unless I die, of course, which would then make this kinda depressing.

8) You never regret a run. There’s hardly anything in life you can say that about. You’ll regret a chocolate sundae. www.webmd.com
This is my all-time favourite. I’ve never regretted dragging myself out of bed to go for a run but I’ve always regretted sleeping in, and let’s not even start on the chocolate sundae!

Oh Goody, My Endorphins Aren’t Broken After All!

Ah, that elusive runner’s high … kinda like drugs except that it’s cheaper and doesn’t land you a mandatory death sentence. I want that high. In fact, I think I may have experienced it a teensy weensy itty bitty bit recently.

First of all, let me declare my fitness status: I’m not a marathoner or anything grand like that. There’s rarely a point during a run when I don’t think:

a)      Oh my god, I’m going to pengsan.

b)      Why am I doing this to myself when I can be sleeping in bed?

c)       Oh my god, I’m going to pengsan.

So that should prove to you that I’m not really a bona fide Runner by any standards. And if you’re still not convinced, please read my FAQ page.

My point is (and I do have one!) that despite my lame running, I think I experienced a bit of that high one morning after I did my measly 3km. While driving to work, I found myself singing in the car – you may not know the significance of this but I only sing when I’m happy. Can never do it when I’m stressed or upset or preoccupied (which means that I haven’t done it in a loooooong time). I just felt a little high … and that ‘high’ lasted all day and even throughout the next day. I had no real reason to be happier than usual or anything, but I just was. That’s not to say I was all Yoda on the mountain despite the insanity at work; just that things that may have pissed me off or upset me last time seemed to have less of an effect. It was a little odd.

And it’s no longer some airy-fairy concept anymore either: researchers in Germany have proven that running does cause a flood of endorphins in the brain. And the harder you exercise, the more endorphins are pumped out and the happier and calmer you feel. They also proved that the flood of endorphins helped to increase your pain tolerance (maybe that’s why I can take more crap than usual). In fact, the researchers likened the feeling after a good run to being “in love”. Read more about the study here.

I find this very exciting – after all, the runner’s high was unproven and widely considered a myth until recent years. To know that it’s been proven that there are actual chemical changes happening in the brain when you run (or do any other intensive exercise) is fabulous. Only 3km and already I can feel some endorphins kicking. If I do 10km leh? I’ll be bouncing off the walls!

Don’t Hate Me Because I’m Skinny

Um, this is the new Miss Australia Universe? I know la today’s standards of beauty are skinny, skinny and skinny but even this is pushing it. You’re telling me, of all the gorgeous girls in Australia, this one is the fairest of them all? This is a joke right? You people are kidding right?

You can include her in the HBO documentary Thin’s cast of sad little malnourished matchstick lookalikes and she’d fit right in (I don’t know about you, but the Miss Universe girl looks even more emaciated than the girl on the documentary poster). She’s gotta be the skinniest Miss Universe contender I’ve ever seen – at 5 feet 11 inches (5 feet 11 inches?!), 49kg (49kg?!) and a BMI of 15 (when 18 is the bare-bones minimum!), she looks like she just crawled off the Amistad. I mean, I’m all for that jazz about beauty coming in every shape and size but hello-o-o-o-o???

But then again, beauty pageants aren’t just about looks ma. It’s also about talent and poise and intelligence (big fat snort), so maybe I’m being a little unfair to this bag of bones. She probably wowed the judges with some amazing talent like flute-playing or hair-twirling or something. I’m sure she deserved the title … and I guess this is the standard we mere mortals have to aspire to now, huh? I guess I can forget about the five alfalfa sprouts I was gonna have for lunch.

Run, Chicken, Run!

I had a horrible PE teacher back in school. She had wiry triangle hair, wore big bug-eyed glasses, had pock-marked skin so bad even the best foundation couldn’t camouflage and thighs so huge lightning would mistake it for tree trunks. Her name was Anne and she’s the reason behind my fear of running – a fear that had hitherto kept me a walker.

It was during one of those god-awful PE classes when our lazy bugger teachers (who themselves looked like the better part of their lives had been spent alternating between TV-watching and camping out at Burger King) would tell us to go run around the padang until the bell rang. And they’d go stand in the shade and fantasise about lunch while we scurried about under the blazing sun.

Anyways, during one of these “lessons”, I remember overhearing Cikgu Anne sniggling with a classmate of mine about the way I ran. My ears weren’t as big as her thighs so I didn’t catch everything she said but I did hear something along the lines of “lari macam ayam” followed by snicker, snicker, snicker. Now, what she said could’ve meant several things … three of which could be:

1. She harboured dreams of running like an “ayam”
2. She was really paying me a compliment cos chickens can run up to 1.6km per hour. Okay, so they’re not Speedy Gonzales but hey, for an animal with spindly legs, it’s not bad what
3. She was making fun of me cos she thought I ran like a chicken. And having been raised in a kandang, she was certainly an authority on the subject

Being an impressionable young girl at the time, I of course believed in the third. And while I really shouldn’t be affected by the opinions of an unattractive middle-aged PE teacher, I was. And I’ve been conscious about the way I ran from then on. And cos of that, I never ran again. Well, until now, that is.

What changed, you ask? Well, for one thing, I got bored with walking and it was no challenge (no matter how briskly I did it). And as I got older, it slowly began to matter a little less to me what other people thought. Aiya, so what. Run like ayam, run like itik, run like lembu – who cares! As long as you’re not injuring yourself or traumatising anyone else, it isn’t all that big a deal. Plus, I’m hardly doing this for competitive reasons, so I’m not looking to being “efficient” and “shaving microseconds” off my time (I’m more of the “as-long-as-I-don’t-pengsan-I’m-happy” camp).

So, the moral of Run, Chicken, Run is … try not to worry so much about what other people think, especially if it hinders you from doing something you like. Not easy to do, I know, but totally worth it.

My Deep Dark iPod Secrets

I was looking through the songs I ran to this morning when I realised that some of the songs were pretty um, for lack of a better word, totally un-happening. The songs on your ipod are a telltale sign of the kind of person you are, just like the books you read, the movies you watch and the type of sweaters you knit. Which is why I don’t let people see what’s on my playlist; it’s just too … personal. I generally don’t like being embarrassed, which is why I try really hard not to be all retarded in front of, you know, people and other things. But I was looking for songs to download when I found a whole bunch of sites by people publicising the most cringe-worthy tunes they have on their ipods.

So I figured I’d do a list of my own. I don’t care much about my reputation (mainly cos I don’t have one) and if there’s one quality I have great respect for, it’s honesty and openness. So here goes: The Top 8 Most Embarrassing Songs On Winnie’s iPod Playlist In No Particular Order.

1 Potential break up song (Aly & AJ)

It’s sung by two lookalike blonde sibs, both of whom are so wholesome they were practically created by God for Disney. I’m obviously a little too old to be enamoured with a teeny-bopper song like this but I can’t help it!

2 La la (Ashlee Simpson)

It’s actually kinda vulgar, especially the part about being an ‘alleycat’ and drinking up his milk and wanting more – go figure it out yourself. Hint hint. But I’ve gotta admit that I really like the beat; motivates me to pick up the pace.

3 Damaged (Danity Kane)

This one begins by asking if you have a first-aid kit handy and do you know how to patch up a wound … on a heart that’s been damaged. Aaww. The cheesiest part is when P Diddy pulls a Boyz II Men about how joy comes after the pain.

4 Boom Boom Boom Boom (Vengaboys)

Boom boom boom boom, I want you in my room, let’s spend the night together, from now until forever. There are so many things wrong with that sentence but the wrong-est is the fact that I just typed that out purely from memory. Someone find me a cliff to jump off from, like, right now.

5 Stronger (Britney Spears)

I know, I know – this is so predictable, right? It’s the national anthem for wimps who’re trying to convince themselves they’re stronger just cos they know the lyrics to the song and can sing it with gusto. Wait. That’s me. Oh f***.

6 My Humps (Fergie)

Granted, any song that talks about ‘humps’, ‘lumps’ and ‘junk in the trunk’ won’t get you far in the brain department but hell, it’s catchy and if there’s one thing I know about girls, being a ditz isn’t particularly abhorrent nowadays.

7 YMCA (Village People)

As far as ‘embarrassing songs’ go, this one pretty much takes the cake (along with Barry Manilow’s ‘I Write The Songs’ but that’s not on my playlist – I have limits la!!) but that’s the funny thing: we all love it and yet, we love to act like we’re all embarrassed about liking it. Me included.

8 If That’s OK With You (Shayne Ward)

Okay, this is ultra-cheesy, unabashedly bubblegum pop and the lyrics make me cringe all over (he wants to thanks her mother for giving her birth for pete’s sake) but it’s catchy and upbeat. What can I say? I’m a sucker for happy songs.