Iosodunnowai

I have a condition. It’s called Iosodunnowai*. It’s a condition that results from three things: a distorted sense of your own capabilities; susceptibility to the influences of the environment; and a general absence of brain activity at the time of decision-making. Put these three together with an activity that you would – under normal circumstances – never ever dream of undertaking in a gazillion years, and there you have it: Iosodunnowai.

I realised this last weekend when my Penang Marathon pack arrived. As I sifted through the contents of the courier bag, it hit me that the 21K I’d so enthusiastically (some say psychotically) signed up for months ago, is now just one week away! As in 7 days!! As in 168 hours!!! As in 10,080 minutes!!! As in … well, you get the picture.

I must’ve been drunk or something when I signed up back in May. No, wait. I wasn’t drunk. I was just over-confident and seduced by my friend’s enthusiasm (“Come la!! You’ve done so many 10K runs, don’t you want to aim higher? Don’t you have any goals? Any ambition?? Don’t tell me you’re going to remain a 10K runner all your life??!!”). Also, my brain wasn’t functioning particularly well that day.

So yeah, I’ve suffered from bouts of anxiety over the past few months whenever I entertained thoughts of my impending doom (usually when I decide to go eat thosai and drink Milo at the mamak instead of going for my run) but it was different back when it was several months away. Now that it’s THIS WEEKEND, I’m experiencing the true extent of Iosodunnowai.

“You signed up for the 21K?? Why are you doing this to yourself la???”

“Iosodunnowai.”

“You psychotic or what?”

“Iosodunnowai.”

“Have you been training?”

“No. I spent the last few weeks eating donuts and sleeping till 10am.”

“My god!! Some more now you’re going to attempt the 21K??!!”

“Like I said, Iosodunnowai.”

The realisation that one suffers from Iosodunnowai is usually followed by a feeble attempt to extricate oneself from the infernally dumb decision one has made. Which is what I’ve been trying to do these past couple of days. The way I see it, I have three choices:

1. Avoid all association with the event. By not wearing my bib and bright orange running vest, people will assume I’m a phantom runner and will not laugh at me if I wind up last.
2. Wear the running vest but conveniently forget my bib. That way, race officials won’t be able to tell which category I’m supposed to be in and will therefore, not stop me when I sneak into the 10K Fun Run route.
3. Stay at home.

The only real options are the first two. I can’t stay home simply because there are three people out there who have also signed up for the run and will kill me once they get back from Penang. So you see, I’m in a rather tight spot.

I think I’ll wear pink.

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* Iosodunnowai is known in English as “I also don’t know why”. It’s a common response Malaysians give when they’re asked why they’re doing something incredibly stupid/suicidal and is usually delivered with a shrug and grimace.

10 Words That Don’t Mean The Way They Sound

Remember how I used to be a dork and would read the dictionary and print out words I didn’t understand and UHU glue them into my spiral notebook and draw pictures next to them? No wait. I still do that. Anyway, I was leafing through my word journal the other day, on a wild Stabilo highlighter rampage, when I saw words that used to flummox me. Unlike some that reveal their meanings simply by the way they sound, these do the complete opposite:

1.        ESCHEW

I thought maybe ‘eschew’ meant some special style of chewing, as in “he eschewed the turkey” or maybe it was chewing gum-related … until I read a sentence that went something like “the wife eschewed her husband” and I thought, whoa, that can’t be right (unless it was a report on cannibalism, in which case it made perfect sense). ‘Eschew’ really means to avoid or to shun. Even after I understood what it meant, every time I hear ‘eschew’, I still picture two pieces of gum being pulled apart (hence the avoiding) but still connected by the sticky elastic strands that’ll stretch as far as you can pull them. Whatever God has joined together, let no man put asunder. Haha.

2.        SOPORIFIC

I first heard this word from a friend who’d said, “I’m feeling so soporific” while we were walking back to the car in the parking lot. First, I thought, who talks like this??? Next, I thought, ‘soporific’ sounded like ‘horrific’ and something soppy-related – a horrific fear of the soppy, perhaps? It was daytime, we weren’t in a reenactment of P2 so it wasn’t a particularly nightmarish experience and it wasn’t raining, so nothing … um, sopped. Later that day, I dictionaried the word and found that it meant ‘sleepy’. My first reaction: such a big word to mean such a simple thing! My second reaction: thank god it wasn’t a disease or anything cos I’d earlier agreed with my friend – without knowing what it meant – that I too, had been feeling somewhat ‘soporific’.

3.        LARCENY

Say ‘larceny’ and I think of a style that harks back to the prudish and musty Victorian era. Say ‘grand larceny’ and I think of um, an extra elaborate style that harks back to the prudish and musty Victorian era. You know, all fluff and flounce – the crinoline cage skirt and frou frou petticoats, ridiculously tight corsets, the frilliest and daintiest umbrellas and a bunch of ladies who speak like something’s crawling up their butts. Ah, what a purdy picture. But what it really means is theft! Go figure.

4.        HITHERTO

‘Hitherto’ is another one … except that it didn’t even sound like a word in the first place. More like the name of a really hunky Spanish guy. Antonio! Ronaldo! Roberto! Cristiano!! Fabio!!! You know, some Adonis archetype on the cover of a tacky romance novel – wild mane of hair flowing in the wind, chest practically bursting open because of his ginormous stallion-like pecs. But really, ‘hitherto’ really means ‘until now’ … as in “she had hitherto been unemployed and feeding her seven kids on Giant food coupons” … or something like that.

5.        MALAPROPISM

If I had to venture a wild guess, I’d have thought ‘malapropism’ was the art of creating secondary stage props. Perhaps a prop of secondary importance, you know, like the Tree Of The Knowledge Of Good And Evil in a play about Adam and Eve would be the main prop (alphapropism) and the shrub would be the secondary prop (malapropism). “Hey, where is the malaprop?? Get the malaprop out here pronto!!!” But what ‘malapropism’ really means is an unintentional mix-up of similar-sounding words. So inarticulate (read: dumb) people can suffer from malapropism, like suffering from a disease.

6.        CHOLERIC

Speaking of disease, that’s what I used to think ‘choleric’ was. I imagined all the characters in the movie ‘Love in the time of Cholera’ to be very, very, very … choleric. You travel to certain parts of the world like South America, Africa and or Asia and you become choleric and you can like, you know, die right? Wrong. A person who is choleric is a person who’s extremely irritable, easily angered, like she’s on the verge of being pissed off all the time. In other words, she suffers from a severe case of bitchiness. It’s a trait that, unfortunately, can’t be cured by restricting your travels only to first world countries or by avoiding raw seafood (or raw anything, actually). Come to think of it, maybe being ‘choleric’ isn’t that much different from having a disease after all.

7.        SEMANTICS

I imagine ‘semantics’ to be a group of people who pray to insects. They wear ankle-length skirts in the drabbest of colours, balance towering bouffants on their heads, have blank expressions on their naked faces and make a career out of breeding children. No wait, that’s the women of the FLDS. But isn’t that what ‘semantics’ sounds like anyway? Like some kind of cult or at least a field of theology, like apologetics. Or the study of insects. It sounds like everything except what it really means: the study of the meaning of words. It also means the language used in order to elicit a certain response (like how that copywriter used certain words to con you into thinking that his product can help you lose 10 pounds in 12 minutes).

8.        SOBRIQUET

I love ‘sobriquet’. Read it in a magazine years ago and was struck by how pretty it sounded. I imagined it to mean a fancy type of sorbet you could only find in Paris. A big beautiful bouquet made up of a dozen mini sorbets – from minty green to candy floss pink, lemon yellow to snowy white … little frozen bulbs of colour. So purdy. Its real meaning has nothing to do with a frozen dessert though. ‘Sobriquet’ really means nickname (cue sound of balloon deflating – pffftttt). Nickname as in, my name is Pierre Antonio Ng and my sobriquet is Ah Kow. Talk about a major disappointment.

9.        ERSATZ

There’s something about a word with an ‘s’ and a ‘z’ that’s just especially glamorous … I love it. Can easily imagine the word up in lights on a huge billboard, flashing brilliantly for all the world to see. What ‘ersatz’ really means though, is an inferior imitation, which is weird cos it sounds way more exciting than ‘original’. I’m thinking fancy haute couture brand … Emilio Ersatz, Yves Ersatz, Emporio Ersatz. Isn’t it weird to think that an ersatz director – which sounds way fab – is actually derogatory? That means Petaling Street is replete with ersatz branded goods!

10.     REPLETE

Speaking of ‘replete’, this was another word that surprised me. At first discovery, I thought it meant to empty or to reduce. After all, it sounded a lot like delete or deplete. How was I supposed to know that just a change of one letter could make such a huge difference? ‘Replete’ really means abounding, filled to satiation and, my favourite definition, gorged (now here’s a word that means exactly the way it sounds)!

15 Quotes To Inspire Wanderlust

I have this bad habit of doing things that are injurious to my emotional health, which admittedly, is in a rather precarious state right now. I suffer from a moderate case of wanderlust (aka the Anywhere-But-Here Disorder or Get-Me-Out-Of-Here syndrome). The symptoms come and go – they’re usually at their most lethal right after a trip and especially merciless during the first day back at work post-trip. Right now, mine have gone into a somewhat latent state. But instead of being quietly relieved and not doing anything to stir them back to life (like any normal person), I’m feverishly trawling travel websites and checking flight prices. This can’t be good for my health. But you know what may be? Sharing some travel quotes I stole from other websites. They’re really inspiring and while they’re probably not the best remedy for my condition, they do a pretty decent job cushioning my fall as I set off on yet another one of my wishful flights of fancy.

1. “Without new experiences, something inside of us sleeps. The sleeper must awaken.” – Frank Herbert
2. “Travel and change of place impart new vigor to the mind.” – Seneca
3. “The use of traveling is to regulate imagination by reality, and instead of thinking how things may be, to see them as they are.” – Samuel Johnson
4. “Not all those who wander are lost.” – JRR Tolkien
5. “All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” – Martin Buber
6. “There are no foreign lands. It is the traveler only who is foreign.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
7. “People travel to faraway places to watch, in fascination, the kind of people they ignore at home.” – Dagobert D. Runes
8. “When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable.” – Clifton Fadiman
9. “The traveler sees what he sees, the tourist sees what he has come to see.” – G. K. Chesterton
10. “Tourists don’t know where they’ve been, travelers don’t know where they’re going.” – Paul Theroux
11. “A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it.” – John Steinbeck
12. “I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.” – Mark Twain
13. “An involuntary return to the point of departure is the most disturbing of all journeys.” – Iain Sinclair
14. “One always begins to forgive a place as soon as it’s left behind.” – Charles Dickens
15. “Travel is glamorous only in retrospect.” – Paul Theroux

I have this bad habit of doing things that are injurious to my emotional health, which admittedly, is in a rather precarious state right now. I suffer from a moderate case of wanderlust (aka the Anywhere-But-Here Disorder or Get-Me-Out-Of-Here syndrome). The symptoms come and go – they’re usually at their most lethal right after a trip and especially merciless during the first day back at work post-trip. Right now, mine have gone into a somewhat latent state. But instead of being quietly relieved and not doing anything to stir them back to life (like any normal person), I’m feverishly trawling travel websites and checking flight prices. This can’t be good for my health. But you know what may be? Sharing some travel quotes I stole from other websites. They’re really inspiring and while they’re probably not the best remedy for my condition, they do a pretty decent job cushioning my fall as I set off on yet another one of my wishful flights of fancy.

1Toilet: Together, We Flush

So apparently, the secret to world peace is sharing a toilet. Yesterday, the Terenganu state government announced that they will introduce … (drumroll please) … 1Toilet!!! In the school!!! Okay la, so the paper didn’t say 1Toilet will bring world peace, but they did say that it will “liberalise education”. Yes, very liberating indeed.

1Toilet is a very clever play of words, cunningly coined to reflect the magnificent 1Malaysia concept that we have all so lovingly embraced. So just as 1Malaysia means we’re all one in this country, 1Toilet means that we all also use the same toilet.

And the poor kids, teachers and even the principal (God bless his soul) of a school in Terengganu have the privilege of experiencing the transformative powers of 1Toilet firsthand. The chairman of the State Education, Higher Learning, Human Resource, Science and Technology Committee (SEHLHRSTC) believes that sharing a toilet will give teachers and students a feeling of “oneness”. When put that way, it sounds almost … kinky.

Sharing a toilet, the government claims, will give kids a sense of “belonging” and will “inspire them to excel further in their education” because students – after experiencing the joys of peeing down the same hole as their teachers – will believe that they are “on par with academicians” as such an act will “automatically invoke a sense of importance”.

I had no idea the mere act of sharing a toilet could result in such remarkable progress. I’m sure the government has conducted sufficient research to ensure the success of this ground-breaking concept. Oh no wait, they haven’t. They just implemented 1Toilet in some school in Hulu Terengganu a few days ago, so it’s too soon to tell. They’ve received “positive feedback from the school management” so far though. Uh huh. I wonder who the ‘school management’ is … probably the ones who don’t have to share the toilet.

The poor teachers. Just when you think they’d suffered enough.

Miss Singapore 2009 Goes “Boomz!”

I have nothing against Singaporeans. Okay, I’m lying. I have plenty against Singaporeans (you’re not a true Malaysian unless you do – hahaha) but this isn’t some anti-Singapore vendetta and you know how it pains me to make fun of people (yeah right) … but this is just too damn funny.

So anyway, this is Ris Low and she was crowned Miss Singapore World 2009.

And this is an interview with her after her big win. For those of you who can’t load the video or are too lazy to load the video, here are some quotes (I must tell you though, watching her say them will make you pee in your pants).

• “If I’m feeling notty, then I’ll wear something rad. And loud. Something, you know, boomz. Something that shouts me!”
• “Um, the only thing that I worn is a piece of bigini and just jeans and a short down Orchard road.”
• “Oooh yes, I’m a huge fan of South Africa. I surf safari. I love lebbard preents, you know, zebra, you know, yeah, that sort of a things. You can wear lebbard preents with dark jeens. It’s all right. You know, neutral colours and um, khaki. Khaki green. You can pull it off with lebbard preents and zebra preents.”
• “I believe dat you know, I want to show the world dat beauty has its own purpose and dat not all beautiful people are bimbotic.”

So what they’re telling us is, of all the girls in their whole country, this one is the most beautiful, most talented and most intelligent. I know la, Singapore is small and there are limited choices, but come on. You’re kidding right?

Oh well. The good news is, Miss Low has given up her crown after her past conviction of credit card fraud was exposed. Apparently, the dear girl stole something like 7 people’s credit cards and used them to buy herself skimpy lingerie. I’m a little WTF about this. After watching that interview video, I figured credit card fraud would be the least glaring of her weaknesses!

Sigh … Singaporeans. You gotta love ‘em.

I Have Facial Dysmorphic Disorder

I have FDD. This morning, I discovered that I have this condition, which was why I invented and named it this afternoon. Yesterday, I was placed on a bed at a spa and extracted into oblivion (those of you familiar with facials will know what I’m talking about), not without a bout of weak protests on my part at first though, but that’s a whole other story … I eventually gave into the soothing music, comfy bed and the promise of flawless baby-buttock skin by the time my ordeal was over. What can I say, I’m a gurl (and a bit of a sucker).

Anyways, to make a long story … even longer, I emerged from the session refreshed but looking like I’d been bitten by one hundred very angry crabs. I went to work all pock-faced the next day. Since I already looked like hell, I figured there was no point in trying to mask it – if you’re going to look ugly, I say go all the way baby! So I skipped the makeup and the contacts, pulled on a McDonald’s T-shirt and paired it with flats – it’s as heinous as you can imagine. If people ask me what’s wrong, I’ll make up some deadly disease and tell them I have it.

So there I was at work, studiously shielding my face from passers-by. Instead of being horrified by my pocked-face, everybody was instead surprised that I wore glasses. “Eh, you wear glasses one meh?” Then they asked me why I was behaving all weird and hiding behind my hair. I took that as a cue to unravel my fancy yarn of tragedy, beginning with my encounter with the extraction pliers and ending with how they should call or email if they wanted to talk to me cos I didn’t want any human contact today.

What struck me most was how nobody reacted with the amount of horror or unbridled shock as I’d expected. Come on people! I was wearing glasses! I had pocks all over my face! I had no makeup! I looked like the Empress of Dorksville! I mean, if this doesn’t qualify me as a contender in reality shows like How To Scare The Living Daylights Out Of Your Kid, I don’t know what will. Instead, everybody acted infuriatingly normal. Like nothing was out of the ordinary.

This has made me realise something: I don’t look as ugly with glasses and without makeup as I think. Unfortunately, this also means that I don’t look as hot without glasses and with makeup as I think – what a sobering thought.

Which means I probably have a distorted self-image of some sort. Which means I’m probably creating drama out of nothing most of the time. Which means that’s probably what I’m doing with this post … and probably with most of my blog. Urk.

Swooning In Ronald’s Greasy Grip

I was digging in my purse to pay the McDonald’s delivery guy when it dawned on me (gently like a sledgehammer) that I may very well be certifiably nuts. Here I am, paying RM15.25 for a lunch of greasy, artery-clogging fries and 9 pieces of McNuggets, which are essentially chunks of god-knows-what ground up and shaped to resemble something that fell off a chicken. Holy moly and I’m paying RM15.25 for this? A bowl of noodles at the coffee shop will set me back only RM4, less than a third of what Ronald charges me. And yet, I succumb.

I know Ronald’s unhealthy (I don’t care what their ad campaigns say or how loudly they trumpet their menu additions of salads or porridges) … I know he’s evil (Eric Schlosser’s book and Morgan Spurlock’s Supersize Me scream it loud and clear) … I know he doesn’t care about my health, only his bottomline (eat more sundaes, they’re good for you) … I know that to him, I will never be anything more than just another pawn in his diabolical scheme … I know he ages me and fattens me up …

… I know all these things, which is why I figured now that I’m older and coming to grips with a less-than-robust metabolism, I would have wisened up and gotten over my Ronald fixation. He would’ve been relegated to the back of my mind as nothing more than a hazy memory, a dusty old love affair that will never be resurrected.

But today, I am once again a weak, lovesick schmuck who may be old enough to know better, but apparently not wise enough to avoid the all-too-familiar pitfalls of this toxic relationship. I eat a French fry and fall in love all over again.

30 Things I Know For Sure

I just had a birthday and I’m officially old. It’s nice to be old because I can be as senile, long-winded, grumpy and as big a bitch as I want, and if anybody asks me why I’m that way, I can snort and say, “Chiu! Cannot meh??” Another perk of being old is I now have the license to share all the wisdom I’ve gleaned through the years. After living for so long, the amount of salt I’ve eaten is now frightfully close to the amount of rice I’ve eaten, so here are 30 things I’ve learned:

1. You grow stronger when life sucks.
2. Things are never as bad or scary as you expect.
3. This too shall pass.
4. Thinking is over-rated (and while we’re at it, so is Drew Barrymore).
5. Worst case scenarios almost never happen.
6. The best antidote to fear is action.
7. You will regret the things you haven’t done, more than those you have.
8. There’s never a ‘right’ time to do something; just do it. Once the body starts, the mind will follow.
9. Things can take a miraculous turn for the better in a blink of an eye (unfortunately, the opposite is also true)
10. Stop trying to be perfect – it will kill you and nobody will even care.
11. Never make decisions when in emotional turmoil; you will almost always regret it.
12. It’s okay to give yourself a break sometimes. The world will still turn, the grass will still grow.
13. You never feel bad after a good run. But you’ll feel bad after a bad one. Um, what’s my point again?
14. Never quit something just because it’s tough.
15. Life will not always go the way you want. Deal with it.
16. You don’t have to like everything you do.
17. Looking good is about posture and proportions, not a smoking hot body (although that helps).
18. Don’t believe everything you read or see.
19. It’s okay to feel bad every once in a while.
20. Don’t listen to the advice of stupid people.
21. Appreciate your ability to feel, whether it’s happiness, sadness or %@$#@$#$!!@ – it means you’re not dead yet.
22. Be passionate, be expressive, be genuine.
23. When pissed off, pick a song that best expresses how you feel and sing it at the top of your lungs (who cares if the driver next to you thinks you’re nuts?)
24. News flash: the world does not revolve around you.
25. The worst time to make a decision is at 6am in the morning (because the question is always about whether you should wake up and the answer is always ‘no’).
26. Don’t wear T-shirts with silly sayings; they just make you look tacky.
27. Take lots of pictures. You will be glad you did when you hit 60.
28. Detach, detach, detach.
29. Eat chocolate every once in a while.
30. Contrary to what those below 18 probably think, life does get better as you grow older.

Positive Thinking Kills

Yep, that’s right – positive thinking kills. I remember watching this episode of Oprah (an old episode – dang Astro and their reruns) and they were talking about self-esteem among teen girls. A rather unattractive girl stood up and said she wanted to kill herself cos she was too ugly to live. Jada Pinkett Smith, the celeb guest on the show, who’d just written some book on self-esteem, advised the ugly suicidal girl that the solution was to start each day with a positive affirmation – something along the lines of looking in the mirror every morning and telling herself she’s beautiful and special and smart and happy and a whole bunch of other stuff that isn’t really true.

While I don’t recall every little detail about that show, the reason why it stuck with me for such a long time was my immediate response: that it was such a load of hogwash. While I don’t advocate being all pessimistic and waiting for the house to fall down on you, I do believe in seeing things as they are. Positive thinking – when brought too far despite the stark reality of a particular situation telling you otherwise – becomes little more than denial, delusion and a whole new brand of crazy.

And there are nations of crazies (mostly lurking around the self-help sections of Borders) whose solution to everything is positive thinking. You have cancer? Oh, just think the cancer away. You hate your job? Be positive la. Stuck in a horrific traffic jam? You “created” that jam from all your negative thinking! You’re fat? Think skinny and the calories you’re eating won’t matter. You’re ugly? Tell yourself you’re gorgeous enough times and you will become gorgeous. This isn’t just bollocks advice, it’s an oversimplified approach to life and dare I say, a lazy approach too. Rather than do something about a bad situation (eg. put on some zit cream), you just think it into non-existence (eg. “My skin is flawless … my skin is flawless … my skin is flawless …”).

Positive thinking (aka Denial) can only bring you so far. Sure, it can help make you feel a bit better for a while, but not for long because whether you like it or not, reality sets in sooner or later.

For instance, you can say you’re beautiful until you’re blue in the face but if the reality is, you look like a dog, trust me, all the positive affirmations in the world aren’t gonna help. You look in the mirror and the image staring back at you is still … the same ugly. Then you’ll feel doubly worse for not feeling better.

The opposite of positive thinking isn’t negative thinking, it’s optimism. It’s taking in all the facts of a situation, looking for a positive solution, taking action and then, expecting a positive outcome at the end of the day.

So, if you’re unattractive, accept it. Not all of us can be [insert name of gorgeous woman here]. Find something positive about yourself that’s not made up and build on that. “I may be ugly but dogs like me and I can hop around the parking lot on one leg faster than you can”.

Forget all that positive thinking pop psychology that’s designed just to sell more books, audio tapes and make therapists and talk show hosts a bundle of moolah. If there’s something you don’t like about yourself and it’s within your control, do something about it. And if you decide not to do anything about it, then you don’t hate it enough, which means you can live with it, which means you should stop bitching about it and just get on with your life.

Pics from stock.xchng

Workaholics Are People Too!

People who love what they do get a lousy deal. It’s not fair and it’s not right. We have enough people who hate their jobs, why pick on those who love theirs? I tell you, Barbra Streisand got it wrong when she sang, “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.”

No way. People who love what they do are the luckiest people in the world. How often do you find someone who truly loves his or her job? Not often, I can tell you that. Most people just scrape by, doing the bare minimum. If you’re lucky enough to find a job that you love, how is that a bad thing? A large part of your life will be spent working, might as well spend it doing something you enjoy.

I feel it’s my duty to defend workaholics around the world – it’s a campaign I started sometime ago with my first post 7 Reasons Why Workaholism Is Good For You. Kinda like a Save The Whales, but funnier. Today, I shall charge on with my mission by listing 7 things people (read: those who have crappy jobs they hate) say in their misguided attempt to ‘save’ workaholics from flushing their precious lives down the corporate toilet.

1 You need to have work-life balance. What’s this work-life balance thing I keep hearing about? What does it even mean? Why is it so important and why are we all beating ourselves up trying to achieve it? “Work-life balance you must have,” they intone all Yoda-like (insert tinkling waterfall sounds in the background). Oh really ah, why ah? “Because it’s important.” Says who? “The, um … experts.” Who are these experts? “Aiya, I don’t know la. All I know is everything must have balance. Too much of anything is bad for you.” Which brings me to my next point …

2 Too much of anything is bad for you. I disagree. I can think of plenty of things you can do as much as you want, which will not be bad for you – eating spinach, praying to God and smiling. There.

3 You need a real hobby! We all have passions in life (well, some of us at least; for those of you who don’t, you have my utmost sympathy) and I don’t see why work can’t be one of them. If some people can love reading, playing basketball, planting flowers, impersonating Elvis or knitting sweaters for their dog, why can’t some people love working? Why is work taken out of the lineup and demonised? How is it any different from any other activity? Why is work inferior to say, knitting sweaters for your dog? Just because you think my hobby is dumb doesn’t make it any less valid. At least my ‘hobby’ makes me money. What does yours do?

4 On your deathbed, you’ll regret that you spent your whole life working. There’s no point to it, yadda yadda yadda. Uh huh. And what’s a more fulfilling endeavour? A politically correct answer is ‘parenting’. Right. Spending all your hard-earned money, time, blood, sweat and tears to raise a child who might just grow up, look at you like you’re vermin and run away with her no-good bum of a boyfriend … yeah, that’s a lot more fulfilling than working.

5 People who work really hard are compensating for something. They’re single / divorced / lonely / depressed / crazy / etc and are just covering up their grief by keeping themselves busy. Well, have you ever considered that maybe people who love to work are people who love the challenge of setting goals and meeting them, people who love learning new things and meeting new people. Maybe they enjoy the company of colleagues who’ve become friends. Maybe they love seeing their efforts come to fruition … maybe that’s why they work. And this might come as a shock to you but maybe, just maybe, they’re a lot happier than some people are (read: those who have crappy jobs they hate).

6 You work until you neglect things that are important to you. Um, correction: things that people (probably some more ‘experts’) say should be important to you. You work so much, you haven’t talked to your mother / father / husband / wife / brother / sister in months! Has anybody ever considered the fact that maybe you never really talked all that much to them in the first place? What makes them think that sans job, you’ll be cooking porridge on the phone all day with them?

7 You can’t let work be your whole identity! We’re admonished because “what do you do?” is usually our question right after “what is your name?” when meeting somebody new. You’re supposed to be able to answer the question “who am I?” without bringing in your job. That’s utterly ridiculous. Apart from identifying yourself as a mother / father (always a winner) or a Child of God (which will send most people running off in the opposite direction), how else can you describe yourself to a stranger without bringing in your work? I know they say we are what we eat, but I’m thinking the answer “I am pork” might not make the best first impression. “Take away your job and what will you be?” we are asked. Well, take away my job and I’ll tell you what I’ll be – penniless and living under a bridge, that’s what. Duh.